advil lavigne

don’t make eye contact or he’ll challenge you to a battle

i am taking psychic damage from my phone

eat hot chip. watch buffy. pet dog

We tried "everyone is entitled to an opinion" for three straight decades and all we have to show for it is four thousand cases of measles and a death cult running the government. It's time for people who don't know what they're talking about to shut the fuck up.

um. hello

the tech who brought him back out to me at the end of his laser session let out the longest, most tortured sigh and said “so, unfortunately he’s perfect”

i know my mental health is super super super super super good bc my tweets have gotten really funny agai n lately

i’m at a pumpkin painting party at the bar and i’m painting my pumpkin to look like a pumpkin. the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me and god willing they never will

i know i’m wrong for this but i can’t help it. i have a mental illness where i need to live in the Douchebag Cube

alexa play rät by penelope scott

shout out to badger, gotta be my favorite man in the world

some exciting personal/professional news: they’re lobotomizing me this weekend

do you think when all the football guys are piled on top of each other some of them kiss a little? i bet they do. i definitely would

riot good girl

instead of personal space, you can have a dog

one of the most frequent comments i get from people meeting him for the first time is that they’ve never heard an animal make that sound before. and they are correct

whatever bro fuck this i’m going to jupiter. yeah it’s to get more stupider, obviously, why else would i be going

some of my posts are simply limited edition. seasonal. get em before they’re gone

shout out to badger, gotta be my favorite man in the world

what kind of pokemon is this

thank you. it is because i am gay

i’m opening a gallery but it’s all just giant framed photos of my dog and his favorite toy, which is currently a manky little parrot

do not, under any circumstances, email me

when he wakes up he’s going to be very excited about that cheeto

girls don’t want boys girls want dave the diver

dave the diver goes crazy

shout out to “i’m not losing to a bag”, gotta be one of the funniest lines in hades 2

wow you guys are never gonna believe this: i read something on the internet that sucked and was making me mad but then i remembered i can just put my phone down and go pet a dog. this rocks

fantasy football appears to really open up all new ways to be disappointed by men on a weekly basis. which is great, because we have so few avenues for that as is

have you seen this dog? now you have

biting time

postcards from the edge (of consciousness. im sick)

watching the 90s animated x-men and like…… so sabretooth is just whole hog out 24/7, huh