The Balderdook

12 year old daughter told me she has her first boyfriend “accidentally as we don’t really know each other.” I said ‘ha, just like me and your mother.’ No-one laughed. Atmosphere remains frosty at best. #diary

Congratulations to Harry Kane.

The only problem with Harry Kane winning the Ballon d’Or is we now have to listen to him speak.

Bukayo Saka winner of the Socrates Award which honours humanitarian work and social initiatives connected to football. What a fabulous human being he is and a great role model.

Good morning

Incisive commentary from the former England goalkeeper on the tactical intricacies of the match.

Best 4 books I’ve read this year: Peck and Peck - Bonnie Garmus Black Bag - Luke Kennard Skippy Dies - Paul Murray The List of Suspicious Things - Jennie Godfrey

Manchester derby in the Championship next year?

Comprehensively outplayed by Bournemouth, United are devoid of quality, confidence and more importantly, team spirit. Not unrealistic to suggest they could well be in a relegation battle this season.

Such a shame Marianne Faithfull was never on The Traitors. Would have been the *perfect cover and very confusing.

Police are advising non-essential travellers to use their common sense and sensibility

Got a Halloween party next weekend. Going to go as Josh Widdicombe.

Really looking forward to these two games between the best four teams in Europe. PSG v Barca tonight and Bayern v Arsenal tomorrow.

Australia’s decision to send in night watchman Nic Maddison to protect Scott Boland fails as he falls to a 4 ball duck which improves on his 33 ball duck in the last test. 0-1 in reply to SA 425-9.

“And then I said to her, never mind the quality, feel the width.”

65 today! Happy birthday Liverpool legend Ian Rush.

I’ve seen some wags describing this Spurs/Coventry game as an early relegation 6 pointer but that’s ridiculous. No way Coventry are going down.

Feeling quite emotional watching the last of The Bear. What writing, what a cast - just magnificent tv. One of the best things I’ve seen.

Top of the league, lads

Another brilliant performance by Brighton in the Seagulls v Eagles derby. No-one playing better than them - all the more remarkable given their best two attackers (Mitoma & Minteh) have been out all season. Could well be surprise title challengers - especially with Man City’s imminent sanctions.

Magnificent commentary on BBC 5 live as Ian Dennis introduces Brentford’s Mikkel Damsgaard as “He of the high forehead.”

We’ve had Hannah with an abacus, Blunt in the shower. What would your Traitors stance be? I’d do this.

James Blunt is starting to resemble evil Clare Balding.

I completed my ‘Booker decades’ overview by writing about ten of the best long- and shortlisted novels from the 2010s - featuring memories from shortlisted authors and judges from the decade, inc Tan Twan Eng, Sunjeev Sahota and Robin Robertson:

Odd One Out I was trying to work out who was the odd one out between Jesus, Gandhi & Russell Brand All liked togas All had strong beliefs And all of them had strong followings. And then it hit me It was Brand because he’s the only one ever charged of multiple rape and sexual assault charges

Lot of angst about Newcastle but Coventry were excellent and scored some superb goals. Best team in the championship last season and should have enough to stay up. Bobby Thomas was absolutely outstanding.

Still the greatest Mick Hucknall video ever. What a voice

Almost here. REALLY looking forward to this. First though, Hull v Everton. Whoever wins goes 4th in the table.

Day 2 in Ramsbottom Civic Hall. Come buy things.

Good morning

Enjoyed chatting to Jonathan Trott this week about his new role as England Lions head coach, his approach, and the mentality he wants. Ambitious guy who will challenge others. Looks a shrewd hire

They’ve voted Julie off! #traitors

Jerry’s pretty funny. Random guesses of just about everybody: *stage whisper Jerry: I THINK IT’S JAMES A. Others: Nah he’s faithful. Jerry: pause … I THINK IT’S JAMES BLUNT. She’s just going through the alphabet which I suppose is as good a strategy as any.

Celebrity Traitors producers really dropped a clanger by not having Tom Daley and Jerry Hall in the same series. All of the tasks could have been Tom and Jerry based where Tom tries to catch Jerry and in a variety of custard-based scenarios, Jerry manages to outwit Tom.

When Blessed was rehearsing Peter Pan in Manchester, my mate had to deliver a big rubber crocodile to the company. He was told to deliver the prop to the room. When he walked in, Blessed roared, ‘here comes the fucking crocodile!’ grabbed it, and wrestled it to the floor. What a legend.

Brian Blessed’s birthday is an excuse to share one of the greatest paragraphs in any memoir ever.

Remembering John Lennon on his birthday. Peace and love.

#CelebrityTraitors

JAMES!!

Joe and Hannah in the turret trying to decide who to kill.

Magnificent international relations on Traitors. All the Brits ganging up on the Americans. Exactly how it should be.

🎶 Footsteps* on the dancefloor** Remind me baby of you 🎶 * peanuts ** bedspread

October 7 marks the birthday of three of history’s most deranged psychopaths: Putin, Himmler and Simon Cowell.

Imagine if Maya Jama’s shoulders get bigger every day

‘Have you got more teeth than a normal person?’ by Richard E Grant to Rob is my quote of the year.