Joe.

Someday I hope to be part of a secret cabal.

omg I laughed

I guess I'm a Kasey Musgraves fan now?

He just throws commas wherever, doesnt he?

Is it pronounced data or data?

What wine pairs best with uncrustables?

Shout out to buddy in the fresh Jordan’s and the ankle monitor. This Chuck E Cheese is better for your fashion choices.

Chappell Roan. That is all.

The sommelier at this Burger King is really bad.

Wife accused me of not wanting to discuss the elephant in the room. Dummy. If there was an elephant in this room it's the only thing I'd want to talk about. It would be a welcome distraction. What I'm actually avoiding discussing is our loveless marriage.

Normalize Regular Watch Weekends

Malice is the best rapper of 2025. That’s insane.

I’m not convinced anyone who isn’t an employer has ever purchased papa John’s pizza.

This is… initially annoying but I honestly wish more people would make it obvious I don’t need to know them.

@flavorflav.bsky.social is an American icon.

This is what Viv said to the Rodeo Dr sales clerks. They also didn’t care.

I’ve been to 4 Goodwills in 4 days. I’ve completely refreshed my wardrobe for like $95. Exhilarating.

These whistles are SO LOUD. They print super fast. Make some. Give them to cool local businesses to pass out. makerworld.com/models/22441...

I am 46 years old and I made this silly chain in my den and I’ve never been happier in my life than I am right now even though the world is worlding. Find joy in people and moments and shared energy. Thank you void into which I shout for receiving me.

…this is the 12th time my Patriots have played on a Super Bowl Sunday in my life. We do not deserve this. We are definitely the evil empire. That’s why even though we shouldn’t win tonight I think we might. Because in this timeline the bad guys stay winning. I just happened to be born into it. 😀

Idk just spitballing but maybe if like… not rich people of every color organized and collectively looked out for one another it seems like the billionaires might be in trouble. Please don’t execute me in my bed, @fbi - I’m just playing.

Moms Spaghetti already vomit > ICE

Fuck ice. I can 3D print very loud ice whistles. Does anyone have a place I can distribute these?

Winter Olympic Event Suggestion: Downhill Release of the Epstein Files.

People are dying from malnourishment. Take heart however…

A commercial on my television just said “brace your urethra for turbulence.” I’m 99% sure that just happened. Am I having a stroke?

Ah shit did I wake up to a new war? I was hyped for Saturday.

I got on hinge for the first time in my life. First dating app actually. This is… a fucking weird environment.

2025 was a crazy year and there were dramatic life changes for me. I lost my first best friend - my mom in January and ended my marriage of 17 years in August But I enter 2026 optimistic as hell If you’re readying this, unclench your shoulders. You’ll figure this stress out. You always do. Stretch

This Trump financial crisis is the worst since the last Trump financial crisis.

Sir Mix A Lot would be disappointed that my baby was born without a back.

This doesn’t not look like a weird PCI-E card with a Mina Kimes on it.

Belichickian

Here internet. I made this for you.

Books have information and information is dangerous.

GOOD MORNING FELLOW CITIZENS OF TRUMPMERICA! Today, Beloved Leader faced down the WAR DOGS of The Venomous Canadian Globalist State and DECLARED HIS WONDROUS TARIFFS UPON THEM! Celebrate, citizens! He has GLORIOUSLY RAISED the costs of their goods and soon the Hockey Loving Filth will be ours.

This is just to say I have sold the democracy that was in the Constitution and which you were probably hoping would save you Forgive me it made me so rich and so cold

Mr Morale and the Big Steppers will be remembered as the most important album of a generation.

Kath opened for Patton Oswalt in Indianapolis and stole the entire damn show. I was so impressed. Excited to find her here. Follow her - my hundreds of porn bots that might see this.

But then how could they be lied to?

Victoria fucking Spartz.

Saw a cybertruck and my son asked why Elon Musk would think that looked good and I said "remember that drug they gave you at the hospital when you broke your arm, and you got scared and said everyone had 4 eyes? he takes that all the time"

The greatest lie the devil ever told was that the Cold War ended.

Stop recording and start getting detained with her. These are strangers assaulting a woman in public and nobody is helping her because they are assuming these men are allowed to do this. Make them assert themselves. Press the issue. Make them draw guns. That’s where we are now. You ready to fight?

Omg I can actually contribute to one of these things with original content. What’s your sign?

Robin Thicke looks like if Nick Lachey were 10% Percocet.

I don’t have the stomach to put this audio over videos of these traitors beating bLuE LiVeS literally to death. But someone does.

This is Trump telling us he's going to violate the laws and call it patriotism. He's done it before. Remember January 6th?

People who grew alligator in bathtub urge alligator to respect bathtub.

Every day is a constitutional crisis. At what point does ignoring the constitution stop being called a crisis? He’s DEFYING it.