Count Binface

First hand-dyers. Then speakerphones. AND auto-renew subscriptions. Will Adele surely be next? Read all about my most victorious week on Earth since Clacton! countbinface.substack.com/p/victory-ha...

First hand-dyers. Then speakerphones. AND auto-renew subscriptions. Will Adele surely be next? Read all about my most victorious week on Earth since Clacton! countbinface.substack.com/p/victory-ha...

Well I called it. The Katie Zacharia supernova has exploded. With energy and excitement. All over Donald Trump. Get the intergalactic take on an international katiestrophe that makes Liz Truss look like a stayer. countbinface.substack.com/p/kt-stuns-a...

Democracy works!

A star is born! Here’s my interstellar take on the comedy news moment the planet needed. countbinface.substack.com/p/kt-stuns-a...

How to deceive a human being. Featuring Elizabeth Holmes, Richard E. Grant, the unblinking CEO of Manchester City, the Labour party conference and Oxford Street. Read all about it in my brand new newsletter! countbinface.substack.com/p/how-to-dec...

How to deceive a human being. Featuring Elizabeth Holmes, Richard E. Grant, the unblinking CEO of Manchester City, the Labour party conference and Oxford Street. Read all about it in my brand new newsletter! countbinface.substack.com/p/how-to-dec...

Party Conference Season is here! But don’t despair. So is my intergalactic take on the week’s news. Get it here! countbinface.substack.com/p/tis-the-se...

quis custodiet ipsos cunnos?

Read all about it! My tactics, my strategy, my toilet-buying suggestions and (as if you need it) much more. countbinface.substack.com/p/exclusive-...

I don't need £5 million gifts. But if you enjoy what I do, you can bung me a trio of affordable croissants (£3) or a Ferrari at ko-fi.com/countbinface. I'll do a separate crowdfunder for political campaigns, but l've reopened this just for little old me. Much luv, CB x

I have an announcement.

Riddle me this. If somebody donates £36 million to a political party and £5 million to its leader, how is the £5 million not political? Asking for a parliamentary standards commissioner.

You might have to turn up for the results of this one, Nige.

At what point does a British by-election get awarded to the silver medalist, à la Ben Johnson and Carl Lewis? Asking for a friend of a friend, i.e. me. #Clacton

An alien's take on the Bayeux Tapestry.

Can't get a moment's peace on this bloody planet.

Count Binface meets the press: GERMANY

Count Binface meets the press: JAPAN

Count Binface meets the press: AUSTRALIA

Thank you ITV and Good Morning Britain.

A brief note for Nadhim Zahawi.

Just call me Caped Verde.

I came first in the Clacton by-election! Of the candidates who bothered to turn up for the results. Here is my victory speech!

Start the Count.

Checkmate, Nige.

Bin Day cometh.

I thoroughly enjoyed meeting the world's press: www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEsa...

Okay Clacton. Let’s go.

For thousands of years, a solar eclipse has been a prophetic harbinger of a spectacular, epoch-making event. Just saying. #VoteBinface #Clacton

An American interviewer asked me about my political beliefs. #VoteBinface

You may have seen I broadcast a message to planet Earth from the edge of space. I thought it was equally important to speak to deep space about you and your lovely little planet. But I thought humans might like to see it too, so here it is. #Clacton #VoteBinface

I’m so grateful to have received kind messages from the next generation of humans over the last few weeks. This is from Edward, aged 10. Thank you!

People of Clacton! Show your support for me by putting a bin outside your house, one day this week, of a colour of Tendring Council's choice. This will be unequivocal proof of the success of my campaign.

It’s election week! At this important moment I would like to address your entire planet with a message to the people of Earth. And I think I found the perfect place to do it.

Wow. Just wow.

I don’t know if this really happened. But if it did, I salute you Alan.

I believe Clacton deserves an MP who will spend their time shining a light on everything the area has to offer. And why wait till I'm elected? I've been to visit one of the constituency's most stunning landmarks.

My summer reads.

Oh I do like to be beside the Clacton-on-Seaside.

In Clacton right now. (Real, not AI!) #VoteBinface

There now follows a party election broadcast by the Count Binface Party, And if I do say so myself, it's a banger. #VoteBinface #Clacton

53,800 of these bad boys are landing in Clacton. Ain’t they beauts? #VoteBinface

#VoteBinface www.theguardian.com/food/2026/au...

Can electoral lightning strike twice? #VoteBinface #Clacton

✅ Touring Clacton ✅ Visiting local businesses ✅ Listening to constituents’ concerns ✅ Hi-vis vest Make your Vote Count! #VoteBinface #Clacton

Damn. I was looking for Micah Richards.

Here it is. My manifesto for the 2026 Clacton By-Election. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Join me, clean up Clacton and let's make 13th August Bin Day! #VoteBinface #VoteyMcVoteface #YesWeTinCan

Under a Binface government, anyone who doesn’t accept human-made climate change as fact will be sent back to school, from Year 1 right the way to A Levels, to see if anything goes in the second time round. #VoteBinface

@tgnprofessor.bsky.social Hi Andrew, can I DM you? I sent you one on Twitter. CB