The Ultimate Worrier

New Business Idea: Princess Bride-themed fertility clinic called "Conceivable!"

I'm staying at my sister's house and my nephew only has Dove for Men in the shower, so if i start agreeing with Joe Rogan, it's not me, it’s the body wash.

Officer, I did not steal that man's wallet. I redacted it from his coat pocket.

Humans should be like dogs. Imagine just walking down the street and you get asked to be pet and when you give them permission they scratch your head and say "you're a good human." That is the world I want.

I'm attending Collier County DEC's event, “Town Hall with David Jolly” - sign up now to join me! www.mobilize.us/colliercount...

Thinking about starting a luxury toilet brand called Poop De Ville.

STEWART: “Comedy doesn’t change the world, but it’s a bellwether— we’re the banana peel in the coal mine… authoritarians are the threat to comedy, music, art, thought… progress.” Nailed it.

Fact: Jimmy Kimmel did more to get people health insurance than any GOP member of any elected body in this country. deadline.com/2024/07/jimm...

I think it's time for Mike Judge to release Idiocracy 2: Return To Normalcy.

I feel like this is a really important thing to share right now. thehill.com/homenews/adm...

Everything that Trump touches dies; has anyone checked on Scott Baio or Jon Voight?

Dear @quantumfiber.bsky.social you are terrible. You cancelled my appt after telling me you were on your way. My building of 350 units will also be cancelling their contract with you and looking elsewhere and I will be reporting you for fraud to the local BBB and sharing this with @miamiherald.com.

Today in Publix in ruby red Collier County, Florida. The Trump economy is real #wheresthecheesedonnie

Due to the deliciousness of Cheetos, my 11 year-old and I have decided to rename he who shall not be named as “circus peanut.” Circus peanuts are disgusting, terrible for you, and of course, orange.

@lastweektonight.com 's Minor League baseball segments should be in the Smithsonian #gomoonmammoths

Trump has enabled approximately 30% of Americans to be cruel beyond redeemability.

The world sucks right now but there's art like this out there, so maybe, just maybe, we're all going to be ok? open.spotify.com/track/3oKmOe... #orvillepeck

The disparity btwn what’s actually happening in Los Angeles and the way it’s being mischaracterized is one of the biggest stress tests of modern media in recent memory. Botted socials, AI, old clips, declining literacy—it’s like seeing a broken emergency response system hit by a storm.

"And Just Like that..." if jokes about "fakin' it" and the right to annoy your neighbors because you're wearing heels indoors is what @hbo.bsky.social is sharing as the previews, I cannot imagine how awful that show must be. #thewellisdry

So should I take the "I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy" magnet off my car now? #elonmusk #imsoconfused

Do you think some campaign manager put up signs all around the Vatican “Sex! Now that I have your attention vote Pietro Parolin 4 Pope!” #conclave

Why is @delta the only reasonable airline these days. Never flying @united to Chicago again even if it means a stop on Atl. Poorly informed gate agents means bad service means bad consumer experience.

SecDef Hegseth looks like the kind of guy who sends a dick pic in Santa hat to his roster to wish them a Merry Christmas.

They are now discussing chem-trails in the Florida state house. Congrats, Sunshine State…you are now Alabama. Looks like our lack of mental healthcare is a top-down problem #idiocracy.

I have suffered the most Jewish injury ever. Sprained wrist during the hora while lifting the groom in the chair...and the chair broke. #AmericanHoraStory

Me after sharing 2025 Lollapalooza line-up with Lennox: "I saw Lollapalooza on my 21st birthday. It was a tour back then. I saw Green Day and The Beastie Boys" Len: "Who are the Beastie Boys?" Me: "You don't know the Beastie Boys?" Len: "Of course not, I'm not old" Ouch.

Remember music? Me too. For those of you looking for some good protest music, check out Jesse Welles. He's working his style off a rewrite of Dylan's "The Hurricane;" not a bad template to pull from. @jessewellesbsky0.bsky.social

Is there any grosser example of conspicuous consumption than several motor condos being built in an area in desperate need of housing? #naplesfl

Movie idea. Willy Wonka but it’s a poultry farm.

Remember eggs? Eggs were cool.

Let's Go Krasnov! #iykyk

i love Josh Hart so much..I love him so so very much. I want to be his best friend because he just seems like a good guy. and he always tries his hardest. @thenba.space #knicks

I am enraged. He who shall not be named just blamed DEI for the plane crash. Not firing the head of FAA at the behest of Musk, or laying off 100 ATC. This is completely insane. He's making Joe McCarthy look like Ronald McDonald. I know, we should be used to this, but this is a new low...

Any journos who follow me or follow people who I follow wanna do a piece on how Tesla's customer service has completely fallen since the election? 2 months to get an appt to fix something AND they just flaked on a mobile appt..

Watching week 2 of the #TGL. Much better. They should start making the holes really weird, like Mario Kart Style. Start putting up Rainbow fairways and floating space greens.

There are few things more satisfying that getting the lip balm out of your pants when you load them into the washing machine.

There’s a delicious American restaurant I ate at in Albuquerque not too long ago. Best tacos in all of New America.