Fr. Cannabranna Lammer.

My oldest and most mildly dodgy friend has given me some venison. I've chosen not to ask questions, but the Duke of Devonshire may want to count his deer 👀 I have no venison recipes, so we’re improvising an autumnal sort of affair involving mushrooms, Guinness and possibly prunes.

Me and the regular group who like my posts

I hate the clocks going backwards and forwards. When I was young, we didn’t even have clocks. If we got hungry, we ate each other. We were poor, but we were happy. Good times. Not that we had time. It hadn’t been invented. We had to make our own time out of string and cholera.

Onion powder, garlic powder, stick of Kerrygold butter, 3 more sticks (it's Tuesday), ranch dust, Velveeta to taste (all of it), a Costco rotisserie chicken eaten in the car, smoke from a gender reveal wildfire, tears of a Waffle House cook, a crumbled Bible, one (1) Hemi

After what feels like a geological era on the waiting list, I finally have a date for my heart op. If it doesn't go to plan, I need you all to remember one thing: not one of you ever sent me nudes. That's on you now. There's still time to put it right. Think of your consciences.

Reading some of my youngest sons schoolwork. They had to write a paragraph about the place in the world they most want to go to. He has chosen Crewe….

Leeds Baby Bank, which supports families with young children living in v difficult situations, was broken into recently and had IT equipment stolen. It’ll cost a lot to replace and, in the meantime, it’s hard for them to operate If you have a few quid to spare: www.leedsbabybank.org/donate-money/

Forgot how much I dislike dealing with the public after 6pm on a Saturday….

Not entirely sure what this hotel thinks I'm into, but they've laid on chairs and a brew for it 👀

Been gifted a pastry swirl thing. Top tip: don't go straight for the middle with this one. Work your way round the edges. Take your time. It's not a race and it can tell if you're rushing. Tried that thing where you trace the alphabet. Got to about Q before it started flaking.

Forced to listen to the Jeremy fucking Vine show against my will.

Before owning a greyhound I don’t think I ever had a dog where I had to periodically check it was alive every so often.

I was told this in confidence, so naturally: they're filming yet another fucking Jane Eyre at Haddon Hall, on the grounds that the previous 26 left questions unanswered. My mate in Bakewell has an actually famous actress stopping with them. Not been told which room. I'm assuming the attic.

Me: to your mum.

Me when I have to listen to the fucking dog licking herself:

I'm full of whatever plague my youngest brought home from school, and I've just had to referee a squabble between him and his brother over whether the Grinch has a dog penis or a human one. It's the 4th of October. We have months of this ahead.

Lot of people on here cheering on the French school protests. What I'm seeing is teenage boys beating up women teachers? I'm a trade unionist and as left wing as they come. I've been on picket lines. If I found one of my sons had done that they'd be begging the fucking gendarmes to take them in.

Had a sudden panic my mozzarella wouldn’t have enough schmelzend, luckily it was short lived.

Stolen from working-class music hall performers, c.1900. It's also ableist (anosmia), speciesist, and centres dog owners. I shouldn't have to explain this for free in 2026, so I won't: cashapp in bio, $5 per oppression. Proceeds go to my cat, who has anxiety, partly because of posts like this.

And now we’re at the time of year where my house turns into a seedy bordello for horny spiders. 8 legged perverts.

Matching speed with an ice cream truck doing 70mph on the highway and leaping onto it with a cutlass between my teeth

We're trying to find a home for, and I quote, "the Pissfingers of cats." Any takers? ❤️

Teenagers. They’re a treat.