Ed Fox, Secret Chimp

When I was little, I used to play doctor with girls in my neighborhood. I pretended I had a PhD in Comparative Literature, and I'd serve them coffee at a pretend Starbucks.

I watched the beginning of Rocky Horror Picture Show yesterday. It's pretty well-paced until Frank N Furter appears, then it drags.

Jesus returns but he falls in love with juice and he forces everyone to call him Juiceus Christ and nobody can pay attention to his sermons because of how purple his teeth are.

I cut this pan of brownies into squares as if I'm not about to eat the whole thing.

If your product is "clinically proven to cure most athlete's foot," that tells me it does not cure athlete's foot.

Thank Pope Gregory XIII, inventor of the Gregorian calendar in 1582, it's Friday.

The Violent Femmes' "Country Death Song" is still the best song about throwing your daughter down a well.

ER nurse: "What's your pain level from 1 to 10?" I: "Pi."

I wish I had more fingers because I'm getting knuckle tattoos and have a lot to say.

October is that magic month when all those flower pots of dead plants on my front steps turn from "eyesores" to "decorations."

witch hazel gotta be the most occult of topical astringents

People frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin

At what age do I get to grow a big gray beard and beat up young punks on a city bus? Looking forward to that.

Breaking Bad is an inspirational tale of a teacher who finally reaches a marginal student through differentiated instruction and an Individual Education Program.

Hitting rock bottom is actually the zenith of a geologist's career.

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.” “The bride has also written her own vows.”

Lascaux, France. Today: "This type art is spiritual in nature relating to visions during ritualistic trance-dancing...." 17,300 years ago: "Hey, everyone, I drew a cow!"

When God closes a door, He opens a Windows 95 because He, like your grandmother, still has an HP Vectra VE desktop.

Confession: In the '90s I often threw my hands in the air despite my not being a true player.

Nothing is dumber than a great idea you have in the middle of the night.

I'd be more fired up for the many Oktoberfests if Germany produced a decent Purple Drank.

Save some of the crazy for us, people who pronounce "striped" with 2 syllables.

My yard is lousy with deer.

Me: Here is fresh, filtered water and indirect sunlight. Plant: I have chosen death. Weed in the driveway sidewalk crack: I feed on gasoline and spite.

I'm always surprised when a mother of 3-or-more boys is not a raging alcoholic.

Showing my daughters Child's Play when they were young saved me a ton of money buying them dolls.

The U.S. obesity epidemic could be solved with a good old-fashioned dysentery epidemic.

Feels like a good day to see a couple of lazy dogs.

Getting older is all about realizing how much more is out there that can kill you.

The true Walk of Shame is when you have to walk back into Subway with wet pants after spilling your drink on yourself in the parking lot.

For my money, the best song about a headless Thompson gunner is still "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner."

I got word to activate the sleeper agent with a code phrase, but I forgot what it was. I've been at this Aldi for 5 hours, saying stuff like "infinite street tacos" and "cyborg unity promise" at the kid trying to shelve canned peas.

Jonny Quest gave me the unrealistic hope that some day I'd run into someone walking a giant komodo dragon on a leash.

On the plus side, if you're an animal hoarder, no one wants to steal anything from your house.

Breaching is just whales giving tourists the finger.

Pro tip: Choose the richest people you know to be your kid's "emergency contact," then let them pay the medical bills.

"There's nothing in this dishwasher full of clean dishes that can't wait until someone else unloads them." - everyone in my house

Is there anything shadier than financial services advertised on sports talk radio?

I should teach my daughter how to drive a stick shift, but then she would be able to drive my car. You can see my dilemma.

Fun fact: In America in the 1800's, every woman was married to a Methodist minister and bore 8 children.

damn shawty you're sorta doing that without the express written consent of major league baseball

NFL coaches need to watch pregame shows, so they'll know their O needs to establish a run game and their D needs to stop the run game.

In the 1890s, Frederic Remington's lunch would often rot while he painted a picture of it to show his followers.