Siege

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me: pendants annoy me him: why? me: they think they know everything him: I think you mean “pedants” me: *under breath* fucking pendant

First stand-up set in years

Another night, another conversation with the moon

Of all the senses, adventure is my favorite

Sometimes I worry that laying down in my free time isn’t a hobby

The thrum of anticipation reverberates until I open the barn doors and release the swarm of young Girl Guides, free at last to enact their scourge upon the land.

i touched grass once. it made me itchy so i went back inside and got back online.

A 7 day pill organizer but it's just filled with Tums

No horror movie has ever scared me as much as my phone ringing when I'm really baked

I wonder where your mind goes, and if I ever cross it

Seeing the same night sky and being connected by those little pinpoints of light

ME: *through a mouthful of fries* Imagine if Grimace lost weight. They'd have to start calling him Trimace CASHIER: *into walkie talkie* Security! He's back!!

respectfully calling sonic mr. the hedgehog

Take your meds, dummies. Don’t be like me and forget and spend the next several hours wondering why you feel like shit.

I don’t have a fuckin’ clue I have a god damn mystery

Beware of the tamed parts that distribute pamphlets to the wild.

The list of meds I take includes painkillers, anti-depressants, stimulants and whatever else I find in my neighbor's medicine cabinet.

We all want someone who can find us on the other side of everything else

Be kind. Everybody’s here getting attention the best way they know how.

Not to brag but I know a thing or two about fuckin' shit up.

Jesus returns but he falls in love with juice and he forces everyone to call him Juiceus Christ and nobody can pay attention to his sermons because of how purple his teeth are.

so distraught I tried leaping into a volcano but the kids at this science fair just look annoyed

I was raised by a wild pack of televisions

Winter is leaned up against a wall somewhere right now, coldly amused & half-asleep, like a patient mobster who knows there's no avoiding him.

Favourite shape: circle Least favourite shape: rough