The Credulity Strainer

Just imagine that hollow-eyed freak jankily humpin away on you with his vyvanse halfie. He keeps rotating his hand and looking at it. The only time he makes eye contact with you is to cough in your face and talk about his enemies

In the dead of night I slowly roll over in bed to face my wife. I whisper “Eddie Hitler in Fortnite” and then roll back over

Call me a pickup artist the way I keep comin home with two tall Genny’s

Iggy Pop's bassist in '07 decided to hump his bass against the stack and it was pretty embarrassing to watch

You MAY be entitled to mesothelioma

Y’ever do a pop heist. You and your most Zelda shirt cargo shorts friend walking into one end of the grocery store portal and walking out the other with a twelver in each hand. A rrrrreal smelly dude who still owes you $120 driving getaway. Tank! queued as the marb frosts spark

Who’s been holding on to a marb frost still / can I have it

Travis barker may be the only person with the contact list that can make MGKxMC Bat Commander happen, and he will go down as one of Music’s Truest Cowards if he fails this

It’s always 2 Stupid Dogs telling each other ‘exactlyyyyy’

One always lies, one always tells the truth, and yet another always says his catchphrase “NOW we’re cookin BONE-IN”

Ethan Klein is evil and the billboard stunt was weak, but it is nice to know that, for only $10K, nobody gets to ignore me anymore when I talk about how Big Sean said that Thomas Edison was a president on that Freddie gibbs song

FLAG ON THE PLAY whys your damn hand soap smell like 409

I’m Johnny Knoxville and this is Hearing Mustard Plug’s “Lolita” for the First Time Since High School

A second Alchemist AI slop plane has hit the towers of my soul

Youtube captions picking up my inner monologue

You can crucify me for this predictable display of cacaucity, but I now finally understand that strange little woman’s assertion that, sometimes all there really is left to say is “shraube-dauhbe-naur-naur nyEH nyEH nnYEH”

*dislocates my jaw trying to do the bodie broadus spit*

Good morning and happy Friday! Don’t forget to reduce your sanity to 0 and go insane

Things I Think Are Weird That I Did Before Getting to First Base: -Performed music in bars -Second base

Dr wall kick is now on a crusade against the concept of being told no

The Pitt, but it’s cats meowing for food

Just finished The Wire for the first time and I’m compelled to give out ribbons to the piggies. Lester is definitely Most Sophisticated Pig, but it’s a tight race between him and mcnulty for Most Greased Pig

Yeah I guess you could say my moms a milf Miserable Italian Lady F’geddabahdit

I will concede that both sloppy joe’s AND burritos in a bag was unnecessary

My only regret about having never been on the dating apps is that I never got to do a fish-holding pfp photoshopped so that I’m holding a miniature dolphin, or man

“Why does this entire fucking parking lot smell like ketchup” is probably not a thought that I will ever be made to have again, so I guess I better savor it

Just remembered this shit; there is no telling how many times over that I should have been pronounced dead from complications involving 72 fl oz of 20 proof blueberry syrup

okay so AI is absolutely cratering imminently and I need all of you to PROMISE me you won't take the high road, and will laugh and rub it in their faces as much as possible. I need you to laugh and go 'WE TOLD YOU SO, BITCH" at every opportunity, PLEASE be extremely mean and ruthless

Guess who just got CANCELLED for bringing 13 Dead End Drive to game night

Witches, sound off: is there a spell that can copy and paste your own negative self talk onto someone who legitimately needs to hear it out?

Jenny schecter would have gone on to be one of the all-time vicious online zionists and I cannot be shaken from this belief

If yer Andy is Daly then yer frolickin’ gaily; if yer Andy is Cohen then yer vest should be blowin’

The Adam Friedland show is similar to The Onion in that everything that you can get out of it comes from the headline and the rest is kind of a chore. It’s just your weekly dose of ‘isn’t it funny that I interviewed this person?’

You guys I’m starting to think that the lady who does Adult Homework Addict Cabaret might not be a particularly deep thinker

I cannot emphasize enough that the attempts to anthropomorphize an algorithm is a fundamental act of journalistic malpractice and an intentional act to shield the people responsible for this. It's fucking shameful.

(Aesop rock voice) Post-nut scarcity

no one talks about Jesus's 13th apostle, Stanciladee who mainly went around saying "Feed the poor? Very admirable but it's not testing well with the Romans" and such and became the patron saint of "I agree but.."

Are you. Um. Are you sure about that

Goddamn man fuck Bugonia. It doesn’t count as a twist if it is so lame and obvious that I spend most of the runtime begging you not to do it

Tfw you realize you have been vividly hallucinating Hanna-Barbera+ for years, JUST when they finally added A Pup Named Scooby-Doo