Boo lettuce

[after learning about how muscles work] oh so we're marionettes from the inside

🧼🫧

the lion's bitchin wardrobe

[hands clasped together at my bedside] i hope i never turn into a permanent cone. & i hope i never ever become a cone permanently and i wont change shape to a cone. Amen

[guy who's scared of the ocean, after doing some googling] I have rabies

[making up ghost story as I go along] but this was no ordinary Honda Accord

Sorry but this isn't how you take care of a hotel

[Springsteen voice] Baby we were born to be alive

I've always vaguely seen "April May June July" as a kind of "7 ate 9" thing, although everything's a bit more up in the air since I don't know what "to June" means and it's not certain it'll happen anyway

Superman’s dog is named Krypto. He named him after the planet. Imagine a dog named Earthie.

I made this a few years ago. But tonight i finally fixed the subtitles, which were a nightmare. And I am so pleased with myself that I am reposting it. It is the story of our dog Puppyboy, who tried his best to get a game of ball going with a weeping newly divorced man. youtu.be/G_JD8PEzgEQ?...

I'm red-blue colorblind so I never know if distant objects are moving quickly toward me or away from me.

"So long, suckers," I sobbed. I loved those suckers. I'd miss them terribly

Probably the worst thing about the clocks going forward is having to rotate your entire henge 30°

Here's my 0-step skin neglect routine

The evil version of myself that I trapped in the mirror is always saying stuff like "let me out, I'm not the evil one, you're literally holding a skull right now". Be quiet or I'll throw my skull at you

Kid: What instrument does a skeleton play? A tromBONE! Me: No. It is a xylophone. Here, I'll find a video

the human tongue is truly incredible. i was at dinner and by far the tastiest part was the human tongue i ate

I can't imagine coming on here and arguing about politics every day. When you could come on and post "I'm giving birth to a mighty goliath beetle, earth's largest insect" and then refresh for a few minutes to see how many unfollows it nets you

Beyond fucked up. I'm losing it

one time my girlfriend was waiting for a bus in Pittsburgh and looking at a martial arts advertisement and a guy in a public works truck rolled down his window and told her “don’t go to that dojo, I challenged the master and he was weak as fuck”

I am your mother, I am Nut, and I have come so that I may enfold and protect you from all things evil. (CTF3)

Happy birthday 🎂❤️🫂

Woke up laughing from a dream where a commercial was saying, “Are you tired of embossing new dogtags every time you get a new favorite Bible verse?”

Getting rolled up in a carpet must feel so good for the guy the mob just shot

I agree that we should be talking about intricate mechanical automata a lot but for different reasons

what the hell is this music school teaching my kid

A fool believes he is ready for some football. A wise man knows he is not.

To the discerning mind, eels are like snakes

Wife: Are you going to learn any other songs Me: *pausing my slow, melancholy playing of the Sesame Street theme on the harmonica* No

FYI This is the entirety of the History section of the Wikipedia article on Odyssey of the Mind en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odyssey...

This is possibly the most twisted thing I’ve ever seen. You can imagine The Joker seeing this and smirking, right before one his “jokes” (crimes)

(DMing a mutual) Hey man I'm imagining Dracula saying your latest post and it's freaking me out. Could you possibly delete it

Fruit Stripe??

Ideal timeline

Blood AND orange? My favorites

(stretching every meal with beans, including breakfast) have to go stop DonLd Trump.

it's so hard to meet a gal who will say "i think its cool that you put mork and mindy on, and all the trivia you're reciting doesn't distract me from the plot at all"

emergency hotdog that heats up when you crack it like a glow stick

Is the song Only Living Boy in New York referring to a Children of Men-type scenario