The Cynical Platypus [Antifa Ornithorhynchidae]

I'm like Bukowski but without the talent or the Rizz

Accidentally sent everyone at work the link my MySpace page

I'm devilishly handsome in the right light* *Utter darkness

Using a Supply Chain as a BDSM implement the way God intended.

It was the illest of rhymes, It was the illest of times.

We all know the fued is coming from inside the family

From what I can tell, I can't tell

"You were always my favorite", I say as I push you toward the now angry and sentient Chuck E Cheese.

Ugh boots except not

If i gave you more of me, the bone would show.

The forbidden fruit was Kumquat...

No friends, that's not where the chinchillas sleep

Edgar Allen Poe and the Telltale AI Heart...

Don't hate me bc I'm beautiful. Hate me bc I'm an asshole.

My new perscription arrived in the mail yesterday and it has made me see clearly that you, in fact, are the bad guy in this timeline.

Contreras for the Brewers has been MASTERFUL in his ABS challenges, often changing the complexion of at bats and even the entire inning on his call. Clearly batters know never to challenge and save them for defensive calls by him.

The 4th grade equivalent of Polymarket only allowed marbles as trading tokens and was far more civilized

Had I known this going in, I would have requested PTO

Creating a dating app for people who can't be arsed

Disorderly Conduct but it's just 90's era board shorts

Name two characters you think are the same person.

I plan to pass crippling anxiety to my children since that seems to avoid all forms of estate taxation.

If you must go, go with a hat and a cane and tighty whitey's

Going to the DMV tomorrow to see if the loss of my sense of Whimsy qualifies me for a disabled placard

How many cupcakes in a gallon? Asking for a friend.

Ohhhhhh Hell Yes to the Brew Crew!!!

my fav pizza is "Free" flavored

Because I was thinking of naming a tapeworm after you...

This one goes out to those of you so rich, you have a lawyer review all your Skeets for legal liability. Fuck that shit.

Casting Hex's on Ex's like a Fluidic Druidic

I raised the batting average of our little league team by being moved to 3rd Base Coach...

Gag-zilla

Honey, I Shrunk the Serving Size

I smell what you did last summer

She broke my heart using a dull chisel and little nibbling bites like a prisoner digging away at the walls when the guards weren't paying attention.

I was ALWAYS faking it when I pretended to like malted milkballs

"I don't even know you any more," me watching the cat turn up her nose at a lite beer for the first time

Technically, a "Double Play" is getting gas and beef jerkey at the same service station.

As GenX, everything I care about is now considered "Vintage"

Chewing crayons until I have the perfect colored teeth

The self-righteous melancholia of skeeting into the black

...me rooting for the team that spits popcorn seeds the furthest.

Skeeting in my official capacity as a raving lunatic.

My kingdom for a fuck to give...

Find someone who looks at you like...

In certain SubReddit's, "Kansas" is code for visiting the Furniture store after hours... "Are you going to the Kansas meetup tonight?"

Be the first person on your street with a Carbon Tri-Oxide Detector!

I currently have beef with Gravity

Doing my part to avoid adding any new Billionaires to the planet's ecosystem