onlycans

Bet this goes really hard if you’ve been kicked in the head by a horse

every day I wake up and ask myself two questions. how can I get hotter? how can I get more annoying? how can I get more hannoying?

another day working at the moral injury factory. microsoft copilot keeps telling me i to need to fuck the flag. buddy, i have to fuck it every day.

woke up, saw a photo of RFK, brain started playing a song to the tune of bon jovi's 'you give love a bad name' 🎵straight from the cow and you're to blame, you give milk a bad name🎵 time for my meds.

damn joan crawford was clocky

might try and be more whimsical. might start saying whoopsie! on the reg.

Bluesky has four kinds of users

Because polymarket isn't a predictions market, it's a combined insider trading scam site and fash electoral interference machine.

when you see some normal clothing online looking like something you've always bought and you click on it and it's called something like "Y2K retro old school clothing". damn. owned. time to die

alright geez I'm a proper british prepper, make no mistake. I got me beans, I got me 200 tins of madri, I got me car waxing kit for me toyota yaris. bosh.

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someone said, "i like you makeup" and i replied, "thanks, the foundation is very buildable." and with that i produced the makeup compliment version of, "thanks, it has pockets". incredible.

sometimes you walk past another trans person in the street and they give you an absolutely shit eating grin and it feels like things might be ok.

pulling up the ladder so hard it hits you in the head and gives you a traumatic brain injury

careful everyone. it's that time of year again. the time of year when people will try and make you buy a gilet. stay wary. do not succumb.

heard your dad in the taproom, telling everyone his top 3 golf animes

In the coffee shop and a labour MP walks in wearing the same coat as me. this is awful.

can't show you the photos but I gave a cancer researcher a free coffee machine today and he was fucking delighted. grinning his little head off. we should give more cancer researchers free coffee machines imo.

my ex hooked up with him in college, so i can say authoritatively: he refuses to eat pussy

towards a proletarian mar-a-lago face

I think that what a lot of people don't realise is that if you mention me in your therapy session, you instantly get better

delighted to inform everyone that enough time has passed for entertainment! by gang of four to be listenable again. it no longer just reminds you the rakes etc exist.

Not the top Steam review of Dressmaker making me cry this morning!

thank you to the 10-15 people who regularly like my bullshit on here. you're the unsung heroes of posting. you're the core support who keep us going during the fallow times. i see you and I appreciate you.

what did this house just call me??

good, he would have hated this

sigmund? sigmund it's your cousin marvin... marvin freud... you know the thing you've been talking about where there's some libidinal force inside us that seeks egoic shattering even unto death... well you're not gonna believe this but I'm looking at the news and im thinking, call it the death drive

ever since I was a young girl I've dreamed of being given advice on how to set up my own business, turning my side hustle into full-time work

my beauty secret? make sure your foundation is at least 10% dog hair for that desirable furry finish.

I was correct, though I managed to defeat the prophecy before it came to fruition. just found it in the bottom of my waste paper basket as I emptied it into the recycling wheelie bin. day after IT locked it down and cancelled it ofc. shit phone anyway.

cool. I challenge you to a sword fight then my pallid, shaky dude.