interesting dracula

Real art isn't meant to coddle you. It's also not meant to challenge your preconceptions or evoke an emotional response. It's meant to be annoying

when i wake up and remember i have to go to work

Let me get a Big Ernie with Ernie Fries, A Lil’ Ernie, a Chicken Ernie, and a 10 piece Ernie Bites

Oh my god. Is Hitler OK?

If you do a podcast with your spouse you might as well cheat on them. Equally sinful in the eyes of God

Dude I am so sick of your forays

Researching the Velopment

clothing stores should have a big bin of used kleenex and old receipts so you don’t have to start from scratch when you buy a new jacket

$100 is going viral

It’s Lunch’s World And We’re Just Living In It

Nathan Fielder made that guy drink his grandson’s pee btw. Which is a bad thing to do

disappointing result-free youtube search: punching rotisserie chicken slow motion

Numbercels be like “4”

just found $80 billion

⚠️ Cyber authorities are reporting a MASSIVE (76.2 TB) breach from CAKE’s Sacramento, CA data centre. Famed blackhat hacker ShortScriptLongPayload has claimed responsibility for the attack, stating that members of GoatHellSec are currently reverse-engineering hundreds of hours of vibraslap slapping.

Do you ever think about how “perjury”cases are decided on a “per jury” basis? Isn’t that so crazy? Law is just so neat sometimes. At first I was worried when the partners made you and me share this tiny office, but I just know that we’re going to be best lawyer friends forever.

got wendys for lunch

Using up all of my administration’s political capital fighting the postal union about my policy of giving Bigfoot a job as a mailman

"Fourth Stooge" Theory

The stupid, self-pleased smile he makes when he tells the office guys about the Jump To Conclusions mat is some of the funniest shit ever

NVIDIA will be left in the dust when I invent the “Three Factory Company”

lmao

Saw a radio-Canada crew filming downtown. Now I’m worried something french is about to happen

there should be a gun that costs $19.95/month

SYMB400.BMF

Dreamt everyone got insanely mad at Johnny Carson after he EVISCERATED newspaper comic strips. “Y’ever notice the funnies… aren’t funny?”

(Jumping down to floor of record store from rafters) You ever think about how it should be “in vinyl?” The music is embedded into the vinyl. So you call yourself a music fan, huh?

We Need To Talk About How The Flying Tesla Has The Same Flight Path As The Golf Cart In The Jackass Movie

Organized all the tenants in my building. Started a group text with everyone. Should be easier to tell everyone when I’m raising the rent this way

Sometimes you open bluesky and don’t see a Crab Man post right away and you barf all over your phone

invented an economist named Arthur Lemmler this morning and he’s been pissing me off all day

get back to me when the flying cars have interior artificial gravity fields so my soup doesn’t get everywhere

Cousins Plummeting 📉📉📉

(reading a bunch of posts about AI and running to Best Buy and knocking over all the computers) it’s called freeing the slaves and you’d know that if you were an ally

Phones used to be like vrrrt vrrrt when something happened, but now they’re just like vrrrrrrrt. What a world!

i can shut the lights off using my phone too (throws rotary phone at chandelier)

If I was in the boonta eve classic and needed to eliminate a competitor I’d probably just keep a gun in my podracer and shoot them during the race. Same deal for the Indy 500 or Olympic 400m dash

going as your culture for halloween