Tim

Me: Where's the cat? Her: She doesn't respond to that. Me: I'm not saying it Her: Then I'm not telling you Me: Ok, where is Her Majesty, Empress Clawdia Her: On her throne

Me: Where's the cat? Her: She doesn't respond to that. Me: I'm not saying it Her: Then I'm not telling you Me: Ok, where is Her Majesty, Empress Clawdia Her: On her throne

Her: Pssst. You looking to hook up with some good shit? Me: Maybe. What do you got? Her:

[Inside gigantic cement building in the middle of nowhere] Me: *slowly starts opening bag of food* My dog:

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

*grabs microphone at register at Best Buy* THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES WERE ACTUALLY TORTOISES. TURTLES LIVE IN WATER. GET OFF ME!

[Inside gigantic cement building in the middle of nowhere] Me: *slowly starts opening bag of food* My dog:

I feel you, little guy

So, here’s the thing, I *don’t* have a structured settlement but I *do* need cash now.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

BARISTA: what can I get you ME: medium roast please BARISTA: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato ME: *under breath* damn

Her: Pssst. You looking to hook up with some good shit? Me: Maybe. What do you got? Her:

You walk through a single sand painting and suddenly the farmer's market has a villain.

“I love you,” Random Generator Bot tells me. Warmth blossoms inside me and a grin breaks across my lips. “I love you too, Random Gene—“ “Plate tectonics digest cannulas,” Random Generator Bot says. My smile fades. “Yeah…” I nod at Random Generator Bot. “They sure do, buddy.”

The word musk is now a slur on this site.

The bar for Bluesky being basically "I'd like a place where people are even just slightly less mean to me" really says something about our collective post Twitter PTSD

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we're all haunted ANESTHESIOLOGIST: how do you keep waking up

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw WIFE: wow that sucks ME: i know what a straw does linda

*grabs microphone at register at Best Buy* THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES WERE ACTUALLY TORTOISES. TURTLES LIVE IN WATER. GET OFF ME!

“Remind me again, what’s the definition of insanity?” I ask the empty room as I sign up for another social media site.

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men's Warehouse? Me: I have no idea. Don't go outside tho

[At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* This is my body *raises wine* & my blood *pulls out 8 of Clubs* & this is your card *Apostles go nuts*