Shenanigans

20 likes on twitter: I'm an idiot, a loser, a fraud, universally despised 20 likes on bluesky: well well well look who's Queen Bitch of Fuck Mountain

A coworker said "happy Pythagorean theorem day" which was a weird way to tell me he's a huge nerd

Amazing if literal: pizza joint

Not to be Ultra White but homemade ranch dressing hits so hard

ruining an elder millennial's day by singing the My Buddy song just long enough to get it stuck in their head for 16 hours

not yet, funk soul brother

I get so annoyed when random people follow me on TikTok. I have never made a post, I will never make a post, I am here to lurk and make snappy commentary stop looking at me

[24 hour long sigh]

the hills have eyes but you're always looking at their boobs smdh

REACTION: Guy named William who once drank beer with Sheryl Crow at noon on Tuesday in a bar that faces a giant car wash hears "All I Wanna Do" for the first time

These people

Don't look at me while I'm being parasocial

iced coffee is junior level. the real power move is bringing a corn on the cob to your interview

Why can't I have the kind of mental illness that makes me want to run a lot

Bring back David Pumpkins. It's what we need

It's time for my yearly bloodwork and if my doctor says I have to stop eating butter every day I might just end it all

cop: license and registration please me: (hands him uno reverse card) license and registration please cop: ah man

Having a beer in a bubble bath if you even care

emergency hotdog that heats up when you crack it like a glow stick

Sexual assault discourse is the worst variety of online discussion

me: Hey, I can’t sleep. Do you think it’s because of stress? hand puppet: *rolls over on my pillow to look at me* you have had a lot on your plate recently.

Whose turn is it to wake up Green Day, I did it last year

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

I need a keurig but for soup

war department super intelligence sounds like something from a bad 1950s comic.

not my fuck around. not my find out.

A grown adult looked me in the face today and said "I gotta go potty first" and I exercised enormous restraint not immediately responding what the fuck did you just say to me

The whole weird "boymom" phenomenon really ruined it for moms who love their son a normal amount

Sorry I'm just in a really bad place right now (United States)

It's really comin down out there (civilization)

Barely staving off existential despair

One thing about me is if I don't know what to talk about I'm just going to start asking you questions about yourself until you come up with something else to talk about or I know every single thing about you

I'm the LeBron James of making little piles of things all over the house

upgrade from free association to association+

Once you reach the age where you’re “glad it’s raining, we could use it” you’re gonna need a real solid personality if you ever want to have sex again