probablyRob

At the dog version of the Nuremberg Trials: And then the defendant would repeatedly whack the prisoner’s nose with a rolled up newspaper! * loud gasps echo throughout the courtroom *

This cat food bag sounds like me reviewing restaurants but I’m too afraid to hurt anybody’s feelings. “It’s extremely palatable! The food was certainly quite edible. It was absolutely a meal that I’ve eaten.”

His brain pulled the eject lever

I for one think it’s nice that we have the opportunity to make a little money off this apocalypse. After all that’s what capitalism is all about. I mean we never got to buy stock in nuclear war.

“How go things on the battlefront soldier?” “Honestly sir the troops’ spirits are low because we’re being bombarded with sex changes”

Everyone’s arguing about whether the Cheesecake Factory is high class dining, but most ignore its dirty little secret - the high number of employees killed by the cheesecake machinery

Totally normal thing that law abiding governments do

*at an Airbnb* Wait you mean I don’t have to finish pressure washing the driveway?

*biting into a goldfish* This doesn’t taste like crackers at all!

Traders on Kalshi, CBS News’ prediction market sponsor… 😳 In a related story, insiders at Kelloggs, CBS News’ breakfast cereal sponsor report that “cereal is yummy and good for you”. What is going on?

Dad: What did you do at kindergarten today Johnny? Johnny: The first one is they show you a lion, a bear, a snake, and a giraffe. And they say, 'Which one is the giraffe?' I got a perfect score. Oh wait my mistake, that wasn’t a kindergartener, that was the President of the United States.

Wife: No the doctor did not say that you are “unhinged” he said that your joints don’t work and that’s not the same thing

A story in 3 parts

Baby Hitler? Man if I had a time machine I would you use it to go back and stop the very first commercial where that guy said Liberty Bibberty.

Since there’s an opening for press secretary, I know a great candidate who’s not only a lawyer, but a neurosurgeon, a Grammy-winning recording artist, and the inventor of the Post-It Note.

Americans will use ANYTHING but the metric system

I’m still waiting for them to add a feature where if you don’t want to see my posts, you have to pay me. I’ll be rich!

This tells you everything you need to know about the current state of the stock market

Mattel has issued a recall on the new Press Secretary Barbie, due to the erroneous inclusion of the term “lawyer” on the packaging. Also when you pull the string to make her talk, she just babbles incoherently.

Why did nobody tell me Philomena Cunk was in VisionQuest?

Just think, Octobers will only get hotter from here

With her on the job, those traffickers will be scared straight

I’ve been researching stoves all day, and now I’m fried

"We shall bite on the beaches, we shall bite on the landing grounds, we shall bite in the fields and in the streets, we shall bite in the hills; we shall never surrender!"

There are some people from over there whom I miss seeing, but I don’t regret deleting my Twitter account for one second

Ruin a book by adding a word Jurassic Skate Park

Ruin a book by adding a word Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone

Googling to see if it’s possible for a person* to overdose on pumpkin spice *my wife

This looks bad but he was running against a guy named Saddam bin Laden

"EVERY SINGLE J6 INSURRECTIONIST HOLDING PUBLIC OFFICE IN AMERICA IS A TROJAN HORSE AND A THREAT TO BOTH NATIONAL SECURITY AND OUR REPUBLIC"

Whether they implement any of these plans or not, just having a meeting with a convicted felon (actually that’s a convicted felon meeting with a convicted felon) to discuss rigging the election is an impeachable offense

Unfortunately number one is “eat a diet of low carb, high protein crickets” and I just don’t want to live enough for that

How I arrived on Bluesky

Me with mouth full of road salt: Troy Jakshun just wost my vote!

I feel pretty confident that Pete Hegseth is the only one stupid enough enough to win the GOP nomination

cop: license and registration please me: (hands him uno reverse card) license and registration please cop: ah man

Mom: Remember if a stranger tries to pick you up and carry you away just go limp. Kid:

WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE POOR GOLFERS?

Me when Chick-fil-A is out of waffle fries:

Campaign Manager: Can we find a picture of him that doesn’t look like a smirking Bond villain? Staffer: We spent 10 hours at the photo shoot yesterday and this is the best one. Campaign Manager: * sigh * Send it.

It’s a sequel to Ratatouille where Remy and Alfredo race to solve the mystery of why the plague is ravaging Paris and oh wait never mind

Bank Loan Officer: So you’d like to open a home equity loan? Are you planning to do some renovations to your house, maybe buy an RV, or take a European vacation? Me: I just need the money to pay my utility bill.