Snort my Mellowcreme Pumpkin

I am consistently, stupidly annoyed that pumpkin puree is in the baking section and not canned vegetables.

He really believes we co-own Greenland now, doesn't he....

I mean, do we just count ourselves lucky he didn't make it an executive order?

There is a certain level of smoothbrain that always wants to suggest any person who replies to them negatively is ‘crying’. It’s weird.

That’s odd. The blood usually gets off on the second floor.

I hate how annoyed I get specifically at the way people lap up "Biden let in 25 million" coupled with "8,000 murderers." That's not even 0.05%.

Responding with an LOL emoji when being called out on using the r-word tells me all I need to know about you.

Don't go chasing Whalefalls, stick to the sharknados and cocaine bears that you're used to.

<<watching GoodFellas>> Me: Scorsese? More like Swearcrazy……

Donald Trump: You know, more people died from COVID under Biden then they did under Trump....

If I was still a practicing Catholic, I'd be concerned about the past few popes.

And not even her home in MN at that, but her DC home.

Lukewarm take: JD Vance should be required to watch a livestreamed federal execution.

Me: Man, this edible IS shit… 10 minutes later, still arguing with myself about how ‘this edible is shit’ sounds far worse than ‘this edible ain’t shit’.

The only thing I cling to is that maybe… just maybe… many people who opt to watch an execution will realize maybe we shouldn’t have the death penalty.

Socialism Is What I Say It Is The JD Vance Story

I really wanna zig-a-zig ah

Is it beastiality if you have a electric shock play kink and you just tickle electric eels?

"More Americans are working today than ever in history." Someone should really explain to Trump how population growth works.

Rich beef sausages.

School did not prepare me for how many tarps one needs as a home owner...

You guys want to hear a short but adorable story that happened right in front of me at the baggage claim in NYC yesterday? I wasn't part of it and there are bits I didn't catch but holy crap, I can't stop thinking about it.

“average person knows 3 chords" is just statistical error. The average person knows 0 chords. Guitar Georg, who doesn’t want to make it cry or sing, knows all the chords and is an outlier and shouldn’t be counted.

Do you think Trump has ever asked Lee Greenwood to rewrite the song to not call out New York and LA?

Dear cat, thank you for throwing up on the in-floor air vent.

BRB, starting the Republican Socialists of America party.

There should be an alternate word for honeytrap for when you post bad data on purpose.

If you elect me president, I will force every male who complains about the looks of women in video games to get breast implants of a size large enough to cause them back pain.

Thought it said coked and was a little disappointed.

Bragging about 401k performance is honestly a great con because if someone's 401k ISN'T way up, you can easily blame the plan manager or even the 401k owner for not being good at it.

Just saw someone with a "Yes I'm single, now's your chance" bumper sticker and automatically thought "Not surprised with that parking job."

Alex Cora might make a good Mariners coach.....

A Sale of Two Titties