SwampLizard

These are cool

If you find fentanyl in your child's Halloween bucket, report it to the police immediately, uncontrolled possession of fentanyl is a crime and your child should be jailed immediately

Who gets the Netflix account in a divorce

Moreover, we must expand and rebalance the Supreme Court.

I’m saying after a decade of Republicans doing fascist power grabs, Republicans should not get any power for free. Republicans must be taught to value and defend apolitical institutions instead of pillaging them. They must learn the era of benefitting from double standards is over.

One thing we can’t do during the next Democratic admin is keep a bunch of Republicans in jobs they would never allow a Democrat to hold if they could avoid it. Creates terrible incentives. For example: did you know every Director in the FBI’s hundred-year history was a Republican? All of them. 🧵

Until now, I managed to avoid seeing the “vote for dem bigots to run up the scoreboard” take; if that’s your view, whatever, but if you feel compelled to tell me to vote in-step with the cynical amorality of the consultant class, just unfollow now. I find the argument profoundly unconvincing.

Ok, but only if she plays the hits

So you’re telling me we can make a flying car but haven’t figured out how to prevent my dog’s floppy upper lip from getting stuck behind his lower teeth when he yawns?

[Leaving aside how crushingly sad this is] the whole marketing push for AI sounds like a massive attempt at convincing people that they need help to do things which a) they are perfectly able to do themselves; b) don't actually take much effort or time; c) lose all meaning once automated

Oh, boarding group 1 on the southwest flight, huh? Interesting to see the Cheesecake Factory class out and about.

Hey babe, I went somewhere. I got some random shit with your name on it. They know about your name in Jacksonville, isn’t that wild

The year is 1368. I am executed by the Catholic Church for putting onion tanglers on a burger.

a green new deal president and they redecorate the white house like rainforest cafe

“You don’t feel good? You’re probably just dehydrated” Oh yeah, how did you come to that conclusion? Been monitoring my water intake? Maybe you recently heard about water and are trying to spread the good news. I’ve been in the loop about water for awhile, actually.

Sorry nifty gadget company, your product looks cool but the idea of clicking on an in app ad fills me with the same kind of dread as watching the video tape from The Ring

The trash opinion class subsist like leeches. We all knew this on some level, but this clarifies how literal the analogy is.

Me, who’s never been to a cheese cake factory, trying to be a part of the discourse: ha ha yeah, it’s so cheap—or, sorry, expensive—and bad, well, good too—but uh, I think we can all agree the factory conditions could be better, dangerous machinery and the like

As someone who’s always been artistically gifted, I always make a point to carve at least one pumpkin per year to really humble myself and put my limitations into context

(selling a notoriously haunted house due to faucets pouring water in the middle of the night, lights snapping on, fridge opening on its own, exterior doors drifting ajar) I can’t take it anymore, the spirit of the ax murderer of the Hawk Hill Massacre is fucking up my utility bills so bad

ChatGPT is the second rapid expansion of comprehensible reality from whose cooling, plasma soup the fundamental laws and constituents of reality crystallized into being

One of the oldest political mysteries has been answered: how big of a shitbag do you have to be to make people care about a governor election

I’m just here caking my cheese

I actually want to see disconnected coastal country boy LARPers go all in on this “the cheesecake factory is for the salt of the earth working class” gambit. Then I’m gonna round up the hicks I went to high school with to go roll coal at the Cheesecake Factory. Get some cheesecake with the fellas.

Of all 50 states, only Texas and Louisiana (one location) have more Red Cheesecake Factories than Blue Cheesecake Factories. This chain is more elite lib-coded than a Lesbian Bookstore

The plan: get footage of the weirdest felon we can find, and cut a trendy documentary. The dangerous, criminal vibes, alongside the man-woman juxtaposition, will subconsciously prime audiences to see me as a sex symbol. With his newfound respect, Trump will call off his plans to invade Canada.

"Meta built products to be addictive to users, driving engagement through features like endless scrolling, and designed algorithms parasitic on outrage or even on mental illness, including body dysmorphia and suicidality." www.liberalcurrents.com/the-techlash...

The plan: get footage of the weirdest felon we can find, and cut a trendy documentary. The dangerous, criminal vibes, alongside the man-woman juxtaposition, will subconsciously prime audiences to see me as a sex symbol. With his newfound respect, Trump will call off his plans to invade Canada.

Note: sometimes I mismorphologize for comedic effect

Note: sometimes I exaggerate or underggerate for comedic effect

(leaving town for 3 days) I better pack 5 enormous books in case I get in a Castaway situation, or suddenly learn to read at 1,000 WPM

Putting “M4M/F BBT” in the dating bio, when they show up we just watch the Big Bang Theory

We’ve still only realized 0.1% of the things data centers can ruin if we really put our minds to it

Victoria 3 is on sale for $15, but I never really heard about it. Is it any good?

Opening the hotel tv guide and seeing Boy Meets World scheduled to come on after the 700 club