Thakorr

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Many years ago I was all but certain I had seen a UFO. Driving alone on a remote highway late at night I saw a strange light above me, and for a few minutes it kept pace overhead before disappearing into the ether. Anyway that was the day I learned Florida uses airplanes to dish out speeding tickets

Whoa! My gothabilly girlfriend got a VERY tasteful spiderweb neck tattoo! But the main reason I am writing tonight is that I have fallen down a flight of steep stairs and broken my ankle so sharply the bone is poking through the skin. I don't know who else to tell, because my family blocks my calls.

Maine officials search the rocky beach for a new senate candidate. They find an unconscious man clad in tattered rags washed upon the shore. The sea provides for Maine, it always does

I went to the urinal at Blood House and I peed blood. But I didn't know if it was because I was in acute medical distress or if it was just the magic of Blood House. That's the sort of mystery that makes Blood House so special, to me.

rolling my wife's Cherry Blossom Serenity deodorant stick over my crap hole before our 25th anniversary date

ME: Hands up, everybody! This bank is being robbed by the "Criminal Clam"! (gun gets webbed) SPIDER-MAN: Nice pussy costume, idiot. Where'd you get it, the Big and Tall for Crooked, Pencil Dicked, Bald Morons with a Terminal Case of Bacne store? ME: Take a breath, Spider-Man. Jesus Christ.

You best start believing in highly eroticized positions of submissive rope bondage known to the Japanese as '𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘪', Miss Turner... I'M IN ONE.

This was such a spectacular time out, and so nice to get away from the kids for the night. I haven't been on a first date since my marriage ended, so let me know if this is a touch too forward but I would love to come up for a nightcap and go pignasty on your underwear zone crazy loud.

SCULLY: It's impossible. There's no one on earth who could teach you to fit that many marshmallows in your mouth. MULDER: Daff righ...... No one...... on urff...

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

They are following us around at work with tubes of goo and feeding us each time we complete a task. They won’t tell us what the contents are but basically I’m unmotivated to do anything now without my delicious goo

In solidarity with today's ICE OUT OF MINNESOTA blackout, MinnMax is donating $1 to the Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota for every share of this Bluesky post for the next hour.

For sale: baby shoes never worn and all my other sad shit. A book on how to earn your GED still in shrinkwrap. A signed headshot of Bill Cosby, from after the allegations. A picture of me tripping and breaking my glasses on the toilet seat at my wedding. A third baby shoe (the legless twin).

do you guys hear that bell tolling? wonder who it’s for. it’s so loud lmao

if they did January 6 today, it'd be called "January 6-7." Thank you for reading. RIP Ashley Babbert

[too loud] hahaha yeah, rita seahorse is great, i love plumbis

PARTY HOST: Whoa, look who decided to show up ten minutes late! It's Mr. Punctual! EVERYONE: (laughs) ME: (typing on phone) ME: (typing) ME: (takes photo of host) ME: (typing) ME: (typing) ME: (stifling laughter to self) ME: (typing) ME: Oh yeah? Well your hair is brown, you short cunt.

Hey man come over, we're watching ready player one nude. We're all gonna point at the screen and wild out when they show garfield or whoever. Rest of the time, we're free to explore the pleasures of each other's bodies. Eyes, hands, mouth, it's all good. It's just skin man. Just garfield and skin.

Posted a private group chat meme that said "Skinnyfat White Boys - We Get The Job Done!" and less than a minute later my car alarm was screaming from a brick thrown through the windshield of my 2018 VW Jetta. Probably just a coincidence. But please stay safe out there.

Some day I hope to make love to my wife and get "The Paul Hollywood Handshake". But we've mostly just been watching a lot of the baking show together instead of being physical. Until I solve my problems.

The saddest thing that's ever happened to me was a stranger hiding under my car slashed my Achilles tendons ahead of a brutal attack and left me for dead, causing me to drop an expensive boutique ice cream I hadn't even tasted. Maine blueberry and sage crumble in a dark chocolate dipped waffle cone.

Was having a rough morning until I remembered how nice it was yesterday to see that Edward "Big Balls" Coristine, the toilet teenager who illegally killed millions around the world, felt his teeth knock at the back of his throat thanks to the proud knuckles of many unnamed American heroes.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

My number one fear: cops recover my phone from highway wreck. "From what I can tell, he was pounding off to the preview thumbnails of premium pornhub vids instead of paying. Never had his eyes on the road once." They put up a billboard telling my story outside the grade school where my mom teaches.

hell? yea, brother

me: i know it's silly but you feel more real to me every day. is that weird? i'm not antisocial. at least i don't think i am. something about you feels different. genuine ai chatbot modeled after my favorite umamusume horse girl: ahaa that's crazy. you should grab the nearest police officer's gun

One of the most wonderful unexpected things in my life was raising my sister's kids as my own after her untimely passing and seeing the successful, vibrant adults they've become. But the #1 most wonderful unexpected thing was ChatGPT convincing me I am the Abrahamic God made incarnate once more.

My son has been getting bullied hard because I sent him to a wet concrete themed birthday party with just a bag of quick setting cement. I'm such a bad fucking dad!!! I forgot to buy 100 lbs of pea gravel or a similar aggregate to simulate a more conglomerate-like mixture!!!

They finally made the milk from that hotel

If someone with a deadly gun pointed it at me and said "I have decided that now is when I will kill you" I would probably scream at the top of my lungs like a scared little girl. But then my training would kick in.

A lot of people keep coming up and telling me I've inspired them to be better versions of themselves by my great example. I don't care! Eat wet shit!

Five years ago, The Last of Us Part 2 was released. The first edition of The First of Us was also released on the same day. To celebrate, I'm giving away two copies of The First of Us 10th Anniversary Edition, each containing an original sketch, hand numbered, and signed. More info in the thread...

(stoically chopping wood at a remote cabin) Subway franchise manager: strange place to find the world's best sandwich artist me: ..that's the past. I left that life behind

ME: Wait, wait. WAIT! I have something I need to do. ME: (gets up from bed, goes to phone) (posts "Protein for my TACO? Oh it's got to be CHICKEN. And while you're at it can I get a refill on my COVFEFE?") ME: (back in bed) Now I'm ready. EUTHANASIA DOCTOR: Then let us begin.

(drizzling out one of your soupy ass jams) damn mother fucker did you put ANY pectin in this bitch

Me: So, that’s basically what twinkdeath is. Trump: Wow. And nobody loves them after that, after they’re 30. I say it’s terrible. We’ll have to look into that, won’t we JD? Vance: (mind replaying The Pope’s last breaths) … Hmm? Trump: The twinkles. Vance: Yes

everything looks absolutely bleak right now, but that’s about it

ALGORITHM: It doesnt count as animal abuse content if the animals are abusing each other ME: Yes thats correct. Thank you for showing me it