born miserable

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it’s always “protect girls’ and women’s sports,” but never “protect girls and women”

To whoever wrote "vagina repellent" on my pokemon backpack I will find you

Wife: You’re a delusional alcoholic. Abraham Lincoln: She’s right, you know.

kids, life is like a game of pac-man, you spend your days running around and eating and trying not to die while multicolored ghosts chase you. life is also like being on shrooms

This day in history. 1989. In Britain the government of vile weed Margaret Thatcher began privatizing public water authorities because what could go wrong with drinking water provided by the lowest bidder or a Conservative MP's sister's son-in-law's younger brother?

Me as a doctor: you might feel a little pinch Tiny lobster in my pocket: *clack clack*

If I get evicted I have to go back to Texas as a trans person! I'm also still recovering from surgery! Rent (due tomorrow): 500/3500 Overdue car: 0/563 cash.app/$DragonAField venmo.com/u/Caeli-Field www.paypal.me/caelifield #mutualaid #HelpFolksLive2026 #transmutualaid #DisabilityMutualAid

Don't navigate straight down a trench to a point where you fire a proton torpedo into a ray-shielded thermal exhaust port. Vote.

Seems like Illinois could make a bigger deal of being the birthplace of The Hamburglar. Or created a legend to make us giddy with anticipation that Abraham Lincoln might suddenly appear and swipe your chalupa.

It’s the weekend. Time to post those drafts of one tribute to each of the 50 states.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

This day in history. 1146. Use of the crossbow on Christians was outlawed by a conference of European leaders. You see, more and more dart thingies were being aimed at the horses of the nobility, not the invulnerable armoured riders, forcing the upended magnificoes to walk to their spare horses.

the premise of so many shows is "guy who can't be normal is so unusually good at a job otherwise done by normal people that all the normal people put up with him not being able to be normal"

Donald Venezuelan Trump Oil 🤝 Extra Heavy And Crude

“Happy 10 Year Anniversary!” my boss emailed, reminding everyone that There Is No Escape

bad news. they made a bluesky fandom wiki and your page is missing

in high school my friend and i were driving by a bank and he saw two guys in suits walking out and yelled “HIPPIES!” at them

bad news. in the Bluesky Cinematic Universe you were one of the accounts that got blipped

why would i watch the fast and the furious. it cannot possibly top Captain Sulu shouting “FLY HER APART THEN!”

my favorite kind of freak is definitely clean

the rebels should have just built their own death star

one thing about living on the west coast is that your east coast friends might drunk dial you at 6pm just to say they love you

i’m a big supporter of crastination. very procrastination

I'm not ashamed to say I'm a baby and would love a version of the Pitt that blurs all the gross shit.

We had some bills come out. I'm recovering from surgery and need help! Rent (due on the 1st): 400/3500 Overdue car: 0/563 cash.app/$DragonAField venmo.com/u/Caeli-Field www.paypal.me/caelifield #mutualaid #HelpFolksLive2026 #transmutualaid #DisabilityMutualAid #HelpFolksLive

*taking a huge rip of the timeline* god i love discourse

I had such high hopes for adult life but the reality is that I just have to go back to the grocery store for one thing every single day until I die

She spread on my sheets til I people. Is this anything

You're honor it's not clocking to you that my client is standing on business, is it

We did it gang we made it. Way to go

Not dolly. Not our queen

I grew up in TN and have a lot of family and friends there and when I tell you Dollywood is about to be packed for months, I mean it. The flowers outside her house in my hometown are piling up at the gate. They had to send cops out to direct all the traffic trying to go down her street. Our queen

Working on Saturday is diabolical to begin with, but working with someone who has their phone's keyboard clicks turned on? Intolerable

putting my brain on a PIP

Babe Is everything ok you've barely touched your blueberry iceberg lettuce alfalfa sprout jalapeno egg smoothie

bluesky summary

I don't have an embarrassment of riches but you can count on me for a richness of embarrassments.

Surviving on the ability to blur my eyes and keep scrolling