The Implication News

Breaking News: Politics First Lady Melania Trump has “successfully" secured a ceasefire between Russia and Ukraine. In the wee hours of the morning, she had both representatives of the Ukraine and Russia peace accord staring down the barrel of her Blue Steel face. Both men in critical condition.

Breaking News: Entertainment Jared Kushner to be the new voice of Aflac duck. Creating tepid joy for everyone in the insurance industry.

Breaking News: Tech New exciting option to iPhone is a demand for more simplicity: iPonyexpress! A few thousand dollars will afford you an orphan to run all over your city, state and country delivering messages of importance/to no importance. Through idle gossip from one iPonyexpress from another.

Breaking News: Tech Uber Eats has been charging a fee targeting "Sad Loner" eaters. This fee has been hiding under the title "Meals For Two" and/or "Split Order". Their AI algorithm detect any "anomaly" that targets the residenties, amount ordered and cat food/deodorant purchases.

Breaking News: Tech Self driving taxi cab companies are looking into the safety of the public pedestrian as their cars start to become more popular in cities. To make streets safer they’ll start implementing “cow catcher” on the front of every car to minimize blood loss over 45mph.

Breaking News: Entertainment Los Angeles based theme park (no, not that one) will be closing an attraction due to several major injuries. Magic Mountain will demolish the ride and will replace it with two cars that ram into one another. It will be called The Head-On!!! and is set to open in ‘28.

Breaking News: Politics Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas surprises himself every time he sees himself in a mirror. Telling The Imp - “I get scared that mirror [Thomas] might harass me or worst…every time I see [my] face.” Mirror Thomas refuses to answer, claiming it’s a “fractal lynching”.

Today in Breaking News. The offices of The Implication no longer has mono. Department of Health and Human Services lifted band on our reporters. We no longer will spread news and virus laced kissed to our readership. For those of you still with us, we thank you during this sexy and difficult time.

Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be Dry Again https://theonion.com/man-angry-he-got-hit-by-sprinkler-acting-like-hes-never-going-to-be-dry-again/

Breaking News: Politics Southern Bell cosplayer and war profiteer enthusiast Sen. Lindsey Graham has passed away from illness. President Trump thanks the senator for his years of loyal service and unapologetic love for the man. He also thanks Lindsey death for taking the spotlight away from him.

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Breaking News: Health Is the world prepared for another pandemic? Pfizer Pharmaceuticals Witches believe that if another pandemic was to occur in the next few years, we might be able to stop it. If we create a stockpile of hemlock root, eyes from newts, herbal infusions and dried toad dicks.

Here at The Implication want to wish you a very special Independence Day. Why now? Because our sorcerers looked into their crystal balls and told us that we only have a few years left of open journalistic freedom before a minefield of warrants and surveillance takes over the country. Happy 250!

Breaking News: Politics The British monarchy slowly and maniacally rubbing their hands together waiting for democracy to die. Manchester mayor worried as Dukes and Noblemen circle around the state like buzzards.

Breaking News: Business Elon Musk to become world’s richest man after the open IPO of SpaceX. Now he has enough 30 pieces of silver for generations to come.

Breaking News: Politics The Trump name to be taken down from Kennedy center. The letters will go to the Donald Trump and Leven McCinny little league memorial center of baseball arts off I-14 in Schashkawagga, Michigan. The McCinny family is happy to honor their father, sheriff and clan leader.

Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler https://theonion.com/dad-s-eyes-well-up-at-sight-of-perfectly-packed-cooler-1819578999/

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled https://theonion.com/little-league-pitcher-just-getting-fucking-shelled-1819577729/

“We serve what I call customizable crepes, where you start with just your basic crepe and then chose from over 60 different filling options,” the first-time entrepreneur said

Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening https://theonion.com/worst-financial-decision-of-mans-life-celebrates-grand-opening/

Breaking News: Health Ebola outbreak tests the weakness in global health. It attacks your nervous system, then racks up your debt by stealing your credit card. Buys as much mosquito netting it can to burn. Then buys all the Spanish Fly and hands it out to single mosquito in your local area.

New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements https://theonion.com/new-harry-styles-tour-merch-includes-perimenopause-supplements/

Breaking News: International New set backs in negotiations between Trump and Iran. Trump at the moment is willing to substitute the Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pâté for a Big Mac and Coke.

Breaking News: Business Drama inside Carl's Jr. corporation. Carl Sr. on deathbed demands that son grill him before burial, unfortunately California regulations do not allow human cremations to be served at wake.

Breaking News: Economics With the introduction of the $250 bill with Trump’s face. The other bills to be included are. 1) RFK Jr will replace Sacagawea on the $1 coin with a dead bear in his mouth. 2) Jeff Epstein on the $69 bill. 3) Vance will replace Rich Uncle Pennybags on all Monopoly money.

Breaking News: Entertainment Billie Eilish has created a space on her bus for a Puppy Room on her new tour. It’s been reporter that she feels that they’re easier to sacrifice on stage than expendable band members. “You don’t get the same amount of blood but you can really taste the innocence.”

Breaking News: Holiday We took Memorial Day off so here’s what you missed. Peter Hegseth honored fallen soldiers mud wrestling a 700lbs hog at the WH picnic. It started off inoffensive at first, then became sexual, turned deadly, then sexual again, ending in peace talks to a standing ovation.

Breaking News: Science Quantum Entanglement to be redefined as the Eddie Trudle getting in over his head when meeting the girlfriend’s family for the first time.

Breaking News: Health The FB group Anti-Vaxxers held an in person dating event that had to be cancelled due to the venue’s policy of mass infection. And this reporter hates the fact that some jokes just write themselves.

Breaking News: Politics Tulsi Gabbard the former Director of National Intelligence will retire and spend her days trying to find and chop down the tree that caused her debilitating affliction. Falling out of a tree is the leading cause of Skunk Hair.

Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice

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Breaking News: Weather The UK will brace itself for record temperatures thoughout the island. Due to this being an American newspaper, we are unable to understand the conversion rate from Fahrenheit to Pounds. So we think it’ll be like £4.56 degrees. So, that’s 1.5% conversions to 72 degrees.

Breaking News: Entertainment There could be wedding bells in the future for Timothée Chalamet and girlfriend Kylie Jenner. It’s that or it could be the seven horns from the Book of Revelation. Either way, the couple is happy to announce the upcoming event.

NEW YORK—Finding himself unable to tolerate the continuing stubborn refusal to address the real issues at hand, apartment dweller Jordan Stills has declared himself “sick and tired” Wednesday of hearing his upstairs neighbors skirt around the core conflict of their long-running argument.

Breaking News: International Cuba energy crisis has gotten so bad that they are now running out of blackouts.

Breaking News: Environment Companies are fighting restrictions that stop them from polluting the waters. Local agencies have tried but ultimately failed to prosecute for environmental damage. Companies have escaped prosecution by claiming “We’re just feeding the fish leftover’s like riboflavin”.

Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can

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Breaking News: Health According to the CDC. They’ve never met a guy named Hanta Virus. They’re pretty sure ICE has deported him to a detention center.

Breaking News: Econ Americans calling this summer “The Best for Last!” The cost of gas, grocery’s and rent all time high. People going for broke. Literally. One consumer has taken his life saving and bought enough Twinkie’s to build a cabin. His plan is to live in it till he dies of a sugar coma.

Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works

Breaking News: Politics Trump is planning to set aside a 1.7 billion dollar of tax payer money to help pay off any inconvenience’s that might have occurred during his presidency. The slush fund will be a one time payment and the check will be made out to Cash.

BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol

Breaking News: Entertainment Travis barker is happy to let his in-laws feed off of him. “It’s great how we all get together on Sunday’s…they strap me to a coroners table as their grotesque 3 meter probosces slowly drains me of viscerally spiritual material.”

Breaking News: International Our Russian correspondent reports on the Victory Day Parade in Russia’s Red Square. At half capacity from years previous parades. The Kremlin tells us that they needed to wake up really early the next morning so they wanted to keep it “really low-key” this year.