toadescope 👻

Mfw the vendeteria is out of pibb

Wuthering Heights (Kate Bush, 1978)

Like realizing your parents aren't infallible, political adulthood begins when you realize the "great minds" elites rely on are all dumb fucking propagandists that capitalism lifts through the system because they're shameless in their wrongness and are willing to serve as dull priests of whatever.

Ruin a song by adding "in My Pants” Continuum II: The Flood in My Pants

Almost as insulting as all the gambling ads themselves are all the fuckin nobodies in them acting like I should know who they are

Are there actual laws against civilian vehicle-mounted weaponry or are we just a more polite society than assumed

You'd think there were more dudes in an industrial plant. Mostly just guys. Sometimes you might get a husky guy carrying a Gatorade bottle full of dip spit giving a little "hup" or maybe an "oohah" when he hits the top of a particularly long set of stairs. Close.

I'm finally having the "what if I had a fun little motorcycle" thing

Your Harry Potter dollars funded this.

I fuckin hate these pervert metrons

Pee, stored in the balls?? Stored? No, listen. Piss comes in, piss goes out. You can't hold on to things like that. You've got to learn to let things go.

I'm getting what, that Shane Gillis is like the standup equivalent of coworker music

Damn Halloween and this spooky season. Ghosts have infested my mind palace, where I keep all my slowly rotating apples.

Modern humanity: as collectively fascinated by the concept of Large Worm as ever. What is it about these fantastically enlarged tumescent tubes of blind flesh that ensorcell us so

*Benoit Blanc bewildered frustrated voice* 'Deez nuts'?! Nahw to whose nuts could this possibly be referrin'?!

Things are different now. The street is different. I'm different. These days I'm kissing ass.

How does one maintain harmony with nature with an ass this flat

Mukbang bus. Is that anything

You bought those pants at the war criminal store? Those are blood jeans jerry

The arm of the law isn't really that long, but I've been told "it's a good size"

*racks shotgun* Okey fuckin dokey

"imagine me saying whatever attracts investors"

Watched mandalorian and grogu. I was genuinely mad when focus shifted away from the weird funny little gremlin guys. I'd watch their movie

A machine cannot be held responsible for shitting my pants, therefore, a machine must never be allowed to shit my pants

My favorite thing to do during layovers is spread rumors among airport staff about people I know that live in that city

There is a fundamental part of the structure of the physical universe that demands any space directly in front of me at a show be filled by someone at least 5'7" and fidgety as hell

23 minutes in the Electrolux T5425S industrial clothes dryer would fix me. Only 1.99

It's flat shit saturday

They put the ocean behind a paywall

On a related note,

got chased by a skeleton and when they caught me all they did was give me a kiss and a hug. turns out it was an xoskeleton.

We're leaning in on high-T, cowboy masculinity by deferring to the softest dorks you've ever seen. They made crappy websites 30 years ago

Let's see fewer jokes about liberty biberty and more checking out books from the library bibrary

Republicans: "Caitlin Clark is the most important figure in American sports. We must protect Caitlin Clark and all the future Caitlin Clarks out there." Also Republicans: "What the fuck is an Iowa Hawkeye???"

I would turn that perverted yellow freak inside out and flush him down the toilet

Michael Tracy out there trying to make some frat rapists into his own personal WM3 to distract from the dogfucking allegations

C'mon, Slime Man! You don't have to go back to the sewers, not after the adventure we've shared! You can live with us! (two days later) Police say no leads in the case where a suburban family was found entirely Slimed,