Todd Lunch

The year is 2035. Having exhausted all other possible cures for aging, Bryan Johnson injects one last vial of alpaca spunk into his face, before lowering himself into the mercury pond; never to be seen again.

Roses are red Violets are red Everything's red I think my eyes are bleeding.

We should be half way to safety already, but it seems they might quite fancy a relegation battle instead. A single point is possibly valuable, but it's also very close to fuck all. The mentality needs to shift from 'don't get beat' to don't drop any points'. #LUFC

Losing 50-50s far too often here.

There's a good chance we get fuck all from this, then our 'great' start to the season's pretty much the same as Spurs and Newcastle, who've been shit.

Farewell Michael Carrick. Gone too soon.

Hi, I'm Pope Gregory IX, and welcome to Britain's Wettest Archers.

Merry Greenwich Mean Time to all! I hope Father Chronos brought you all that extra hour you've been banging on about.

Re: no.2 Judgement Dave

Commandeering a booze warehouse because Burnham told me to prepare.

Any of you lot heard owt from the likes of Tasker, David Guile, Barney, Barlow, Dan Ham-Toucher et al? It's a shame they're not on here. #LUFC

This noise reminds me of Brass Eye's 'bleeping' out of certain names during an interview with Peter Tatchell.

That draw against them's not looking so acceptable now, is it. #LUFC

If me and my friends were Keith Groundhog, we'd have made Mulligatawny Phil with hammers, I can tell you that much.

on thursday at 2pm pacific am doing attempt #2 at making homer's nacho hat. it worked out well last time except i couldnt get it off the cake pan and i feel like i got close enough that i just had to try again... i mean look at it

Top Tip Pretend you live in Midsomer, by killing the local vicar with a box jellyfish attached to a radio controlled helicopter.

Just had someone from Points of View ask if I wanted to record a video with my thoughts on a BBC television show. A younger me would've jumped at the chance to send them a deranged and nonsensical clip, but I'm trying to grow as a person.

Taking up burglary to fund my £300 a year Amol Rajan Negroni Tier habit.

An open 24 hours, A4 sheet of paper shop in the middle of the North Yorkshire moors. It doesn't sell anything else.

Tomorrow, I set rail for the sprawling wastelands of Cleckhuddersfax. A place of wretched beasts and ungodly horrors.

Going to the cinema to watch Mumsnet: The Movie.

Asking the Dragons' Den lot for a thirty grand investment in me drinking myself to death.

My theory is that if you try and drown a coma patient, they'll snap out of it. Sadly, none of the hospitals I've written to will allow me to prove it.

I accidentally bought a Sally Rooney book, and now they're sending me to Gitmo; Which is somewhat fortunate, as I was planning to visit anyway.

"Cooey! James! You forgot your sandwiches" said Mrs Bond, handing him his lunchbox. Baron Samedi stifled a giggle.

*seductively* "So... Is there a Thelma Fudd?"

It's not unreasonable to want Frank Lampard to have a miserable time, and Newcastle can't even be bothered to grant me that.

Spittoon

SURGEON(removing something from my arse): " Is...Is that...the mechanical owl from Clash of the Titans?"

TOP TIP Impress dinner guests with your 'novelty waiter', by sticking cheese and pineapple cubes on a hedgehog, and letting it wander around.

Sometimes I watch a film or a television show, and I can't tell if it was good or not. Anyone else have this problem, or is my brain fucked?

Encouraging that we can be disappointed to get nowt from the game. Deserved more, but if you don't take your chances... #LUFC

Sadly Arsenal'll score at least two more now.

I can't recall seeing a game with so many offsides. #LUFC

Been sloppy with passing, second to the ball when we shouldn't be, and not taken our chances, but been very good apart from that. There's been no gulf in quality so far, which is nice to see. #LUFC

We can go second on goal difference today lads. So that's something to look forward to. #LUFC

Njinko scored another two last night and should've got a couple more. Can't be far off at least training with the first team, if he isn't already. Think that's eight and a couple of assists already. #LUFC

If AI really does have feelings*, maybe we can get it to kill itself. *it doesn't

If AI really does have feelings*, maybe we can get it to kill itself. *it doesn't

I'm getting married in two weeks and there's still loads to sort out; like the flowers, the seating arrangement, who the bride's going to be etc.

According to Mattel, my... "table top role playing game infringes on a number of copyrights, and we question the logic of changing the title from 'Dungeons' to 'Onions'; particularly as the literature provides no explanation for why the pieces must 'absolutely honk of onions' in the first place."