VonTraphaus

My Airbnb erotic massage service charges a 500 dollar orgasm fee and also instructs customers to jerk themselves off prior to the massage’s conclusion

Prior to checking out, all Airbnb guests must solve the zodiac killings, or a 1000 dollar fee will be applicable

Absolutely livid that I can no longer compel my Airbnb guests to leave their fingerprints on various murder weapons

Lemony Snicket’s a series of unsolicited dickpics

Contrive an endless crisis and then they cut until we bleed

*sidling up to my fellow survivors as they try to stop the zombies overrunning our barricades* we really ought to establish a governance framework first

Disassociating during the monthly managers meeting

In our dark and troubling times, we need little weirdos more than ever

*using my empath skills to ascertain why my friends are upset after I showed up an hour late to our plans* I sense… you all want to pay for my dinner tonight, but don’t know how to bring it up

The absolute audacity of my phone to make me enter my password to look at a notification, and it’s just MS Teams

Make a celebrity sick Tom Creutzfeldt–Jakob

*reading my White House press briefing notes off my smart phone* I’d like to thank President Trump— hold on. Temu just sent me an insanely good offer on discount filler.

Gypsy Rose 2: 2 Gypsy 2 Furious

What I lack in looks, I also lack in kindness

Her: You’re not very good looking. Me: I’m also quite poor.

Man my tummy really hurts, maybe a 12th coffee will fix it

I got that dog in me. (Get into a family size bag of M&m’s and give myself explosive diarrhoea, and learn nothing from it )

Me: you should always trust your gut My gut: I cannot overstate how much better you’ll feel if you eat even a token amount of fibre and veggies Me: I don’t think there’s any science to support that

Every day, stay true to my alpha primal roots by having the “caveman lunch.” It’s a kilo of beef tallow and raw bison meat. It’s over 3000 calories and tastes like garbage. I’m functionally incapacitated from 1:00-3:30

I’m the only one keeping it gangster in this crafts store

Got thrown out of the strip club for “making it hail” (throwing coins)

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

You’re in her DMs, I’m in her Facebook marketplace messages trying to scam her out of a used MacBook.

*receives a call from a blocked number* Definitely a scam *receives a call from a number not in my contacts* Not today scammers *received a call from my grandmother* Grandma? More like scam-ma

Please stop calling me on my phone that's not what it's for

Invented a new cannabis strain called “propane nightmare” but so far the only buyers are former Serbian military interrogators

Using ancient Caucasian ritual practice to reset my body count back to zero (taking up ventriloquism)

The referee has called a stop to this bout 3 minutes and 12 seconds into the very first round. Declaring the winner via tickle monster,

If you’re wondering what morale is like at my office, management expects employees to pay for the pizza parties

I’m not drunk officer, I’m just Australian

*after three martinis and a xanax* yes, air hostess, I AM capable of assisting in the event of an emergenshhy

You can undo all the negative effects of smoking with true love’s first kiss

Clear the numbers off the microwave, you monster

Adam and Eve got kicked out of the garden of eden because of woke.

Her: You’re not being helpful right now. Me: I think maybe the problem here is your assumption that I wanted to be helpful.

Hey guys, Ninja class is cancelled tonight. Sensei Dustin can’t find his transitions lenses

I believe the creation of AI data centres is destroying Bigfoot’s natural habitat, which is why we have seen an explosion of video evidence of them in recent years. I can’t explain why they have big naturals though

The ska playlist stays on during sex

Women call me “the koala” because I'm lazy and have chlamydia

My MBA on LinkedIn stands for “multiple brain aneurysms”

I was with those teenagers when they died. Their last words were “the only way for us to win is to keep giving money to Israel. And the only way for you to win is to bet on the outcomes of this war. Enter promo code #purpleheart for a free 200 dollar bet on the number of American dead and wounded. “

Buying up diarrhoea lettuce and marketing it as organic ozempic

I don’t necessarily agree when science says every KO causes brain damage, but a nasty head kick during sparring did help me discover an appreciation for nu metal

Got slapped and pinched pretty bad by a gang of zoomers at the day time rave because I tried to rehabilitate the Lumineers’ music