Mr. Bea Arthur, Batshit Crazy™️

“I’m crazy, and I’m demented, and my IQ is under 12, but I love the fuck outta you like no one else.” *100% my dog, don’t bother trying to cancel me, my IQ is also under 12, and I do not give a fuck. Thank you, Frankie.

Them: MAN OVERBOARD!!! Me: *in the water No, no, just keep going.

Handing out protein bars for Halloween but only after the kids have dropped and given me 50.

I read some tips on how to become a better person, but first I gotta finish this beer.

Animals probably think clothes make you smart

the graffiti is out of control, every single dumpster is tagged

learning chemistry by posting nonsense jokes and getting corrected

Dracula’s dentist recommends Invisalign for Snaggletooth

Disappearing under mysterious circumstances sounds nice

the year is 2026. salads give you explosive diarrhea. salsas and jalapeños have salmonella. popsicles contain shards of glass. Chipotle is like "big deal, that's always been our business model"

the way things are going, the only safe thing to eat will be the rich

I’m old enough not to remember things.

Team runny yolk for life. I probably post this a lot. That's what for life means

if only immigrants, women, POC, trans people, and child stars were protected as much as pedophiles and politicians

Back on my shit* again *ice cream sandwich

When the going gets tough, stop, drop, and roll

Someone mama bird me some ibuprofen.

"you don't have to post every thought you have" well that is news to me

A pet grizzly was a terrible idea.

putting a sign by the grand canyon that says BRUNCH IS BACK to trick the vote blue no matter who crowd into driving off a cliff

it’s only expensive if you can’t afford to steal it

What’s so funny to me about the RFK / sauerkraut thing is that it sounds like a shitpost…but it’s real 😅

meh, I’ve seen fuller moons

I don't need to be dead to haunt you

If you are in line to shell the fuck out of the Tampa Bay bullpen, STAY IN LINE.

Does everyone look better at closing time or do mai tais deceive me?

My nightmares are a pleasant change from being awake.

Going to take the dogs for a drive tonight and we’re going to the A&W drive in…

Alexa, how can I tell if my duck is plotting something

Sometimes I worry that laying down in my free time isn’t a hobby

Back in the day you could look at the internet for up to an hour without getting mad.

Seeing adult twins is weird. Like this isn’t cute anymore

Asking someone was that a draft when they say something

pop n lock your way to a more injured you

I think the Brewers might be better than the Rays