Wendi Aarons

"In lieu of mammograms, text the head of the task force a pic of your honkers." buff.ly/ycFDqJW

There's such a dissonance between Ken Paxton the criminal mastermind who parties with felons in Dubai and Ken Paxton the public speaker who appears to have just been plucked out of a pumpkin patch and given a de-licing and clothes from the lost and found.

- There is a well-established link between scented panty liners and autism. - All mentions of women’s breasts will be officially changed to “honkers.” - Menopausal women are advised to just walk into the sea. buff.ly/ycFDqJW

“Menopausal women are advised to just walk into the sea.” It’s tempting.

"Some women have health. Others, not so much. This is due to the varying fluoride levels in tap water." buff.ly/ycFDqJW

"There is a well-established link between scented panty liners and autism." By me, @emilyflake.bsky.social, @miriamjayaratna.bsky.social on @mcsweeneys.net.

Remember when Greg Abbott banned abortion but then said it's okay because he'd "end rape" in Texas? He's done that in the following ways:

This is from 2018 but still applicable to now! By me and @omarg.bsky.social on @mcsweeneys.net.

I'm attending Travis County Democratic Party's event, “Bee Cave Meet and Greet w/ Pooja Sethi and Caitlin Rourk!” - sign up now to join me! #TCDP www.mobilize.us/traviscounty...

People are talking about Melania, Natalie and Trump like it's some modern day "Dangerous Liaisons" when it's more like two insane seagulls fighting over a rotting piece of chicken in the Dollar Store parking lot.

Is Natalie Hart a Mata Hari or one of the dumber Manson girls?

Did the GOP temporarily halt the digging in Big Bend because someone told them the Epstein files are there?

"Just like the 1890s and the 2020s, they’ll play with the unvaccinated kids down the street and drink raw milk until dark. Then at daybreak, I’ll hand my children their metal lunch pails, button their fifty-button shoes, and they’ll shuffle off to their factory jobs." buff.ly/EOw4Nr5

At first friendless and shy, writer Wendi Aarons opened up and found her inner child at Camp No Counselors. https://www.texasmonthly.com/travel/adult-summer-camp-texas/

"Dance partner in a high-end pharmaceutical commercial." @mcsweeneys.net

Although it started as a competition for experienced tarpon anglers, today’s Deep Sea Roundup is a classic fishing tournament that attracts anywhere from 400 to 800 mostly Texan participants a year. @wendiaarons.bsky.social texashighways.com/outdoors/tex...

I live in Central Texas and I have NO idea where the missing giraffe is and neither does my 19 foot high rescue cat.

I live in Central Texas and I have NO idea where the missing giraffe is and neither does my 19 foot high rescue cat.

"Brandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing."

Seersucker pants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a mint julep Swim trunks: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a margarita Thrasher sweatpants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a vape pen

These are all so damn good @wendiaarons.bsky.social "Josh Mandler, who was tasked with chasing a bat out of the garage, even though he has zero wildlife-wrangling experience and was just as freaked out as everyone else."

Unsung Heroes of Fatherhood @mcsweeneys.net

"Alice Chambers, who, after three vaginal births, can no longer hiccup without wetting her pants, and who will be honored for her sacrifice with eggs Benedict and a necklace made from rigatoni."

Today I went on a guided hike at a gorgeous nature preserve as my Mother's Day activity with my son, but there was a "guy that thinks he's hilarious" with the group and seriously, CAN WE JUST HAVE ONE DAY?

Dr Who (Jodie Whitaker) read my Always letter in Benedict Cumberbatch's show!

Is the 2 week ceasefire just so he makes sure he gets our tax payments?

This is less Bay of Pigs and more Bray of Pig.

At this point, we have a better chance of being saved by Austin Powers than the US Congress.

I miss the days when his tweets were more "haha a chimp found a typewriter" and less "the syphillis brain worms demand armageddon."

"If you worked at Walter Reed, would you tell someone what was going on with the president?" I used to call my mom from the walk in freezer at my grocery store job to tell her what the neighbors were buying.

Airline Pilot: "Yes, I know you thought we were flying to California, but New Mexico is about 80% of the way so I’m stopping here. Have fun in Albuquerque, everyone!” @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/if-...

Can't we just deploy the cosplaying patriots that play war in the forest every weekend they don't have court supervised time with their kids?

Do I still write US Treasury on my tax payment check or should I just cut out the middle man and write To Donald with Hate?

Pam Bondi would have dumped the bucket of blood on Carrie.

Are the Razzie awards for the worst in film still around? This might be the year to bring them back.

I wrote this for those of us who've told a loved one to get down from a ladder, and those of us who will soon be told to get down from a ladder by our children. Stay safe, people.

Unsung Heroes of Motherhood www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/uns...

He seriously has no idea how numbers work and just screams high or low amounts like he's on The Dementia Price Is Right.

Yep. @wendiaarons.bsky.social. Hilarious. Long live Thelma and Louise. @texashighways.bsky.social texashighways.com/travel/seein...

“While he watched over FaceTime, I slowly poured liquid Tylenol all over my naked body. I loved him enough to make myself autistic. He wept.”

I can’t unsee it 😫

“Our union represented the endless cycle of life, death, and rebirth, and the eternal, unending nature of time. Sometimes I didn’t know where the worm ended, and our love began.”

Olivia Nuzzi’s memoir about her affair with “The Politician” aka RFK, Jr. drops tomorrow, but if you just can’t wait, Emily Flake, @miriamjayaratna.bsky.social & I have some excerpts to tide you over on @mcsweeneys.net!

Over the river and through the woods My checked bag has disappeared It has all my meds. I wish I were dead When did flying get so weird?

"In my tunic, you can’t see any of the middle part of my middle-aged body. I’m shrouded in mystery. I’m a stylish enigma. I’m a greying fortune cookie with a fortune inside it that says, 'Fuck you, I was in shape in the eighties.'"

🎶 Over the river and through the woods, To Grandmother's house we go; At the airport on time, which is good cause the lines Are moving super slow... 🎶

A fun piece in @newyorker.com today by me, @miriamjayaratna.bsky.social and Ali Fitzgerald, inspired by Ronnie No Vaccines DeSantis. www.newyorker.com/magazine/202...

Now the nuts are claiming that "college radicalized" the shooter? He lasted one semester in Utah & dropped out -- not exactly Berkeley in 1967.

Honestly, we should all be kinder. Perhaps his ear injury is acting up after it regenerated itself lizard-style, or he suddenly developed an allergy to the ketchup used in the assassination attempt. Show some compassion, people.

@wendiaarons.bsky.social