McSweeney's

“Democracy is priceless, but fascism sure seems to pay well. If you’re morally bankrupt and looking to sell your soul, Obey in Advance has everything you need for a profitable life of lickspittlery.” —Kevin Kruse (@kevinmkruse.bsky.social), Professor of History, Princeton University buff.ly/o2VAlmd

McSweeney's nails it again.

"I assure you, this is all a flex. What you are seeing is basically the highlight reel of my life as a disabled person. It is one special treatment after another." buff.ly/K4GEhJD

"No, I don’t want to hear “Monster Mash” instead. What am I, a carnival ride? What a sick suggestion. Play The Cramps or something and call it a night." buff.ly/lzXrLVa

"Mohammed is the most common name in the world, yet when Alaskans vote for their next senator, they’ll find two Dans Sullivan and zero people that Islamophobes can scapegoat." buff.ly/VlHrHsU

Mom, we don’t have a moment to spare. I’m asking—no, BEGGING—for you to chip in ASAP. If every parent reading this email contributes just $197.50 by midnight, we can defend the shirt I just bought from being returned this November. buff.ly/X2ykERa

"Remember when you lived in the city? The hustle and bustle infiltrated every cell in your body. You even had a MetroCard. Then you moved here. You gave up. I will not reward that kind of mediocrity. You’re lucky I even stay open." buff.ly/8tQYIFy

🤣

"Using a gym machine the way it's meant to be used is for losers. Why even show up unless you're going to damage equipment and move your body in a multidimensional way no one's ever seen before?" buff.ly/S2OlkhL

"I feel terrible even asking this right now. I know you’ve been having a difficult time after what that awful Michael Myers did to you and your friends on Halloween, but are you available to babysit Tommy again this weekend?" buff.ly/S1QcYZo

Near perfect.

"Mohammed is the most common name in the world, yet when Alaskans vote for their next senator, they’ll find two Dans Sullivan and zero people that Islamophobes can scapegoat." buff.ly/VlHrHsU

My McSweeney's article is still trending, holy crap.

"Every click counts, and I'm hoping to bring in a lot of clicks with this. It's a ranking of Halloween candy, two things everyone knows and loves. (Right??!!?!) Help me keep my job a little bit longer." buff.ly/hkWhL3J

Hoo boy, this hits

"Using a gym machine the way it's meant to be used is for losers. Why even show up unless you're going to damage equipment and move your body in a multidimensional way no one's ever seen before?" buff.ly/S2OlkhL

"While AI will save your chat history and use your responses to help you figure out that, sure, the Kia EV9 can probably comfortably fit your kids and your dog, you have decades of sporadic emails with Ryan, your senior-year boyfriend." buff.ly/AiXlNXE

(Casey hangs up and moves back toward the popcorn. The phone rings again. He sighs and picks up.) CASEY What? GHOSTFACE I told you not to hang up on me. CASEY What do you want? GHOSTFACE To talk about one of the most underappreciated comic filmmakers of the twentieth century. buff.ly/gbOcLIZ

"Here I am, looking back wistfully on a time when political ads had at least the appearance of higher standards. When you could exploit the racial anxieties of an entire nation and still be welcomed in society, provided you remembered to couch it as a debate about public safety." buff.ly/bEdtrJN

I just read all these to my PhD-pursuing wife, and she recognized every theme in her program. Happy Halloween, nerds.

"You encounter a strange, cult-like group that lives in almost total isolation from the outside world. They jealously guard their arcane knowledge and practice some exceedingly cruel rituals." buff.ly/oR5kV77

"Sexy Bearded Man Who Doesn’t Mansplain His Politics." buff.ly/8NvA9jD

Week 6: Players will come to understand that, yes, dropping soccer balls on anthills and then watching all the ants scurry away might look kind of cool, but it is not really what soccer balls are meant for, and it’s also kind of mean to the ants. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hon...

“My hairdresser’s nephew didn’t speak until he was seven. Then one day, in the parking lot of a Gelson’s, he said, ‘thermodynamics.’ Now he’s a concert pianist.” buff.ly/yvtg5zT

"Two writers talk in New York. The first writer tells the second that moving to Los Angeles will destroy the second writer’s credibility. The first writer said this while writing an ad for Preparation H medicated wipes. This one doesn’t need an answer." buff.ly/P5YI6QQ

"Let’s be clear: this is not religious persecution. It’s a test. And you can study for tests. You don’t even have to study that hard. You just have to believe in Jesus." buff.ly/oFYteni

Gonna put on a tan suit and head over to the Cheesecake Factory.

FIRST BABY: Lying in bed next to me while I listened to an audiobook THIRD BABY: Lying in bed next to me while I yelled, 'ONLY JUMP OVER HER BODY, PLEASE DON’T JUMP OVER HER HEAD.'

"The path forward is obvious. We let Sauron retain full power for another two years. Let the people experience a little more darkness while we clean house. Get our own ranks in order. Get rid of all those unity-chasing wackos that are tearing our Fellowship apart." buff.ly/9WluK1y

"AI companies are run by white dudes, so the fact that all of your exes are white (the result of going to high school in rural Southwest Ohio) means the experiences will be basically identical." buff.ly/AiXlNXE

Accurate

"Watch this video from three years ago. It’ll autoplay, with no visible pause button and a scrubber that doesn’t respond. The video only lasts ninety-four seconds. But know that it’ll reload at least twice." buff.ly/FhPbn1O

"You didn’t need to say the quiet part out loud. You simply placed a Black man’s face on television, mentioned a horrific crime, and let millions of white voters reach their own conclusions. We trusted the audience back then!" buff.ly/bEdtrJN

"Couples considering IVF will be directed to divorce, so that the man can find a younger, more fertile, less bitchy mate." buff.ly/ycFDqJW

new piece by me x

great stuff from the unstoppable timely force @jackloftus.bsky.social

“I was just a kid then," Emily Elizabeth said. "How could I have known the full extent of what he was?” “A dog?” I said. “A monster. And I became a refugee for harboring him,” she said. buff.ly/ovFlhMZ

GHOSTFACE What’s your name? CASEY Why do you want to know my name? GHOSTFACE Because I want to know the name of the supposed Albert Brooks fan who doesn’t even know what an Albert Brooks movie is. CASEY I’m gonna go. GHOSTFACE Don’t hang up on me. buff.ly/gbOcLIZ

"The poltergeist-level door-slamming is a wasted effort as well. At this point, every time a door creaks open or slams shut, I assume it’s another volunteer trying to get me to vote for the local school board race." buff.ly/YqIjeHr

"This is my worst nightmare. Having to go out on Halloween night? Is it at a bar? Please, please say you’re joking." buff.ly/lzXrLVa

"I’ll need to access your camera and microphone. Don’t overthink it. I just want to give you the best experience, and that means being able to see and hear you at all times." buff.ly/FhPbn1O

"In lieu of mammograms, text the head of the task force a pic of your honkers." buff.ly/ycFDqJW

"My friends, I've never even heard of Washington, DC. I do not even believe in the concept of Washington, DC. And as I stand here before you today, I can promise you that Washington, DC, is not even a term I understand as a proper noun. Frankly, it sounds made up." buff.ly/vPdpUGA

"Four weeks later, Joseph K was at the end of his rope. His various attempts to unsubscribe from his free trial were countless yet futile." buff.ly/gYUPjF0

"Please do not smoke or vape in the lavatory. Please do administer your GLP-1 shots. Maybe make it a double." buff.ly/Z48CKhd

"Metabolism has entered Museum Mode and is now preserving every carbohydrate for future generations." buff.ly/guRUchT