William Fry 🏳️‍🌈🔵

I get all my news from the Dissociated Press...

When I was in middle school in Nebraska, I thought The Cheesecake Factory was a fictional restaurant that The Big Bang Theory made up. Then when I was in grad school at Caltech, I found out that some people thought Caltech was a fictional university that The Big Bang Theory made up.

U.S.: Oh, I'm sorry. You need to purchase a separate policy for Leg Insurance. 🤔

Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time https://theonion.com/election-officials-warn-that-ballots-tied-to-stray-cat-unlikely-to-arrive-in-time/

I need someone to endorse me on LinkedIn for "Fucking around" and "Finding out"... 🙄

This feels like "The Rocky Horror Shitshow"... 😲

Had a cat that would jump up on the shower curtain rod. Heaven help me if he ever fell while I was taking a bath!!! Would. Not. Go. Well. 😲

Someone famous: There's no such thing as bad publicity. Cheesecake Factory:

Me being more inclusive... Might get up to some they/them-anigans... 🙄

If Todd Blanche actually tries to sue in Alaska, what exactly is the claim and what would be the remedy!?!? 😕 I'm guessing the vast majority of the voters are aware of the situation and can use basic cognitive skills to cast the vote they intended.

I saw graffiti in Seattle that said, "God loves you - John 3:16". Kind of, but it's a little more weird and there were some conditions... 🙄

My Political Attack Ad: Fuck Trump and the entire GOP! (* I approve this message *)

BASH: What's the crime? AG TODD BLANCHE: What's the crime? Well it depends. There *could* be a crime. But the real wrong here is that Alaskans are gonna be confused. BASH: The Alaskan Supreme Court ruled 4 months ago on this matter

Elizabeth Warren Is On A Roll.......

I would like Vivek Rama-smarmy to explain how Amy Acton being repeatedly raped by her stepfather and abused and neglected by her mother when she was 9 years old, constitutes a flaw in HER. I’ll wait.

A lot of gay men are going to have so much clarity on November 1. Just sayin'... 🙄

I was a college radio DJ. "Ketchup on the Walls" would have been a totally legit band name... 🙄

I'm going through a lot of life changes in the last year, and I'm getting much better at deciding what I need/want. I'm not feeling obligated to please others, and I'm better at choosing what's best for my energy and well-being. That took 50+ years, but I got there. 💕

I couldn't care less if he paid someone to pee on him. 🤔

Sister: Blood is thicker than water. Me: "Thick" wasn't the thing I cared about... 🙄

so they're actually, legitimately, no-shit trying to steal an election, huh I mean this is gonna go down in FLAMES (if nothing else, it was already litigated!) but holy shit they're desperate to be throwing this shit at the wall two weeks out. Even for RATFUCKING, the proper time was two weeks AGO!

I'd like to believe that my stress will go down on November 4, but I'm smart enough to know that there will be chaos and bullshit for months. Fuck Trump and every member of the GOP! 🤬

Sure... go ahead and sell your Christmas decorations rn, but at least dress them up in Halloween costumes, so we don't have to look at them yet! 😕

This is how I imagine Mamdani walks when he comes home from being a mf superhero all day. TT: @ckjacksonvibes

I think it may be time for "The less you know..." (* insert animated rainbow and stars *)

Clues: 1) Piss 2) Credit card 3) Piss ON credit card Cool... I have absolutely no idea what anyone is talking about, but I'm sure that eventually, it will all be clear... 🤔

It's too easy to start doomscrolling with the constant stream of terrible things happening on your phone. So I encourage you all to put your phones down, go outside, and see that terrible things are happening out there too.

The bubbly will be flowing! #celebration

Hey, Hegseth! Here's the first ever Faberge Egg! Catch!!! 🙄

Ruin a song by adding "in my pants" to the title Against All Odds in my Pants

I'd like to point out that schools aren't even allowed to give kids an aspirin anymore, so... ummm...

I don't speak to my sister anymore, but I'm sure that she's somewhere, deeply concerned about all the sex-changes happening at schools... 😞

Oh, eye-contact doesn't make me uncomfortable... A dog or a cat... either is fine... 🤔

I need a reporter to ask Melania for the name of the region she brokered a ceasefire for... I'll wait. 🍿🍿🍿

Oh, yeah... it suddenly makes a lot more sense why I can't get a date. I'm not really putting in the effort, am I...? 😕

Is it possible to have a typo in a Dictionary? By definition, wouldn't it automatically be correct??? 🤔 (* mind blown!!! *)

Technically, a dictionary is a book of spells.

If I put on a mood ring right now, it would level the city

Infinity bimity... 🙄

My scale was profoundly incorrect this morning. I'm going to put it in "time out", so it can reflect on what it did wrong... 🙄

The performance anxiety of brushing your teeth right before going to the dentist... 😲

Got my vaccines, but is it really too much to ask insurance to spring for the cool superhero Band-aids? 🤔

Really don't need any more emails claiming to be from James Carville. 🙄 Buh-bye!

me: but the sign in the bathroom says you must cashier: it means my OWN hands