berserk

Me talking to my cat: I love you mister boy mwah mwah mwah Me talking to other people about my cat: I call him Doctor Shithead because he's such an asshole

You should be able to cure a tummy ache by saying, "I disagree"

this kind of bad faith wokeslop is downstream of takes like "being anti-Shein is fatphobic" and "it's ableist to ask writers to read"

JOHNNY CARSON: Now I have to ask, you often get mentioned in the same breath as Peepee... POOPOO: Oh boy JOHNNY: ...but you aren't a fan of that comparison, are you? POOPOO: Well, haha, no JOHNNY: Do you want to talk about it? POOPOO: I just don't see it, Johnny

We need to enter an era of American seppuku

Barack Obama probably goes to a restaurant called The Cheesecake Artisan!!!!

Sorry libs, prison is hell and shouldn't exist. Doubt his sincerity, argue that he only ever would extend this grace to someone like Holmes, but don't act like it's brainless to oppose prisons.

It's almost election day, which means it's the perfect time for me to start posting about how much smarter I am than the average person, who I hold in the utmost contempt. Please vote for my cand

I love to be a fucked up little spreadsheet man

This is one of my least favorite arguments, sorry not sorry.

lol "neoliberals believe in open borders" is a good bit

"American heterosexual monogamy is feminist, actually" do you people ever listen to yourselves

FATHER PIERRE BARRE: Confess! Confess, you devil! ME: I cannot confess to what I have not done. FATHER PIERRE BARRE: Bring more wood! [The BARBER places another chunk of wood in the contraption around my legs] FATHER PIERRE BARRE: Confess! You took the plums from the icebox, which I had been

yeah wow how could anyone think you're harboring some latent homophobia

you're riffing? you're riffing while the president is literally orange?

hitman: you won't have a problem with your cousin... once removed

Instagram is a fundamentally different kind of media platform than MSNow. Flattening these two scenarios into "editorial decisions" is silly.

Matt Darling may not be related to the Darling family of Peter Pan, but he does share a common interest: hanging out with a scad of minors who he says "will never grow up"

It rocks that these people view themselves as the serious systems understanders and then say toddler-level stuff like this

You Can See Everything is enormous and sublime.

Matt "We Have Matt Yglesias At Home, The Matt Yglesias At Home:" Darling

they should make a notpron movie

Cory Booker is such a craven loser. His favorite scary movie is Frozen. He can't pee without the lights on. The doctors say he could literally die of fright if he ever hears Monster Mash.

ALISON: Our Star Baker this week is... Kimmy! [Applause] KIMMY: I can't believe it! Stah Baker! Goodness me. NOEL, cocking the hammer: And that means I have the terrible job this week

*Michael McDonald voice*

in this house, we

THE RULER OF LEFTISTS: This is displeasing. I would like to see this... Brooks. HEAD OF THE DSA FLUNKY CAUCUS: But my loxd, he... he isn't on Bluesky. THE RULER OF LEFTISTS: Bring him to me.

🎶 I'll never be your beast of boiden I'm paid in woims, my back is hoitin All I want, for Nancy to be nice to me🎶

*leaning over to my date in 1988* that's the rain man actually it's dustin hoffman, who won an academy award for his performance his character is based on real-life savant kim peek who had a preternatural gift for memorization and recall, particularly of dates and events the move grossed over