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🎶 Freedom costs a buck-o-nine🎶

dear mr onion i have a friend who is really stressy depressy these days and i’d like to surprise them with a year subscription to the newspaper, how can i do that

It is the Special Edition breathalyzer with two levels - 1. “inebriated enough to add a journalist to a top secret NS chat about impeding warplans” or 2. “bitch-ass drunk”.

Attach to microphone when interviewing Hegseth bsky.app/profile/jooc...

When they looks like a Nazi, act like a Nazi, and talk like a Nazi - let's just call them a Nazi!

We know his wife's been blowing

Gotta love The Onion!!

🤣🤣🤣 Hilarious!

The way ot should be UNTIL HES FIRED!!!

This seems like more the truth than parody.

😂😂😂

He should have to blow into one just to put on his shoes!

😂

😆😆🤣wow!

Does not matter if he's drunk or "sober", the man is a disaster, like tramp and needs to be taken out of dod.

😁😁

Lies. 🤣

Ok, this apparently is a joke but sadly & unfortunately it could also be true due to the magnitude of the incompetence of the Felon & his hand picked regime!

No he doesn’t. That job belongs to his wife.

😂😂😂😂😂

How many DWI s does he have ??

🤣🤣🤣 I thought it was a new biometric technology until I read The 🧅.

I know this is the Onion, but if that was the case (for Hegseth to breath into a breathalyzer to unlock his phone) the SignalGate classified convo wouldn't have happened because he'd never be able to use his phone!

I'll bet he had someone else do it for him.

Trump has those Top-Secret Plans at Mar-A- Lago in boxes in his restroom!

Everyone on the group text should be fired immediately and prosecuted, except the reporter.

🤣😆😂

🤣

Easy to believe.

"Whiskeyleaks" 😙👌

DoD issues a press release: "Phoney News"

I thought he would "Signal" a friend to send him his PIN

😂

Breathalyser melted ...

And this is some one you want to run this country with trump .wow Republicans have no morals what so ever it's a game to them that's all

Atp I can't even tell the difference between reality and an onion article

The current regimes addition to the 3 most told lies. I would never have someone else blow into this for me, the check is in the mail and I'll always love you!

I wish this was true. He should have to blow to unlock his phone. Honestly, he should have to blow on a device to enter any federal building to show that he hasn’t been drinking in between.

Not the worst idea I've seen recently

Lmao!

You may have won the internet for me today lol well played!

True dat!

The trouble is, he's just as crazy when he's sober.

bsky.app/profile/ther...

bsky.app/profile/kati...

Oh yeah? 🤔 Then how was he using it to text war plans huh? You think "SoBeR HeGsEtH" did that? Lol

Not a bad idea 🤷‍♀️

I laughed out loud - first time in weeks.

I think they spelled Psychopath wrong.

😂😂😂

That's actually a pretty good idea! 😀

The visual is sad

If only!!! 🤣

Pete Kegseth is one of my favorites.

😂🤣😭

Drunk Tweet Pete, the man with the motto: “They’re all lost weekends.”

If this is true, wow! Just Wow!

😂

😆

Oh come on! We all know he must be pretty skilled in operating that breathalyzer. 🔥💙🍿😵‍💫

This is some core hi-tech fiddling! :-)

😂

Does it require a minimum BAC?

Fucking hack!

Pete Hegseth caught with tiny flask disguised as breathalyzer

Can't forget {sniff} FFOTUS

Must include Musk as well!

Now that’s good security - multi factor authentication!

open.substack.com/pub/sybillud...

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Pete Hegseth plays smallest blues harmonica

Hmmm, I thought he had an ethanol powered phone...sorry, that's his brain.

LOL

So disappointed to see the Onion was the source of this story..

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You are doing god's work!

Not a bad idea

Pretty clever, the way you photoshopped a breathalyzer over the whisky flask.

That is just too good 👍

Feeling safer, yet? I thought not. #hegseth #lloydaustin

A disgrace to the uniform! But at least we can make fun of him.

Makes sense.

😂

🤣🤣🤣

ĹMAO!

I thought this was genuine at first and thought "Atleast they're doing something to prevent him from being stupid." Then I saw it was from The onion.

Um, I need satire not reality

This would be so much funnier if he wasn't the SecDef.

I lost my shit in the middle of a restaurant. Everyone’s staring! 🤣🤣🤣💙💙💙

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Makes sense that if he is not going to resign or get fired, that precautionary measures be put in place.

😀

Perfect!

Hilarious. This takes drunk texting to a whole other level

🤣🤣🤣

😂🤣😂

BINGE watch time.

Lip prints!! ICK!!!

He’d be downing shots immediately after

This is actually a great idea.

This is like slipping into a warm soothing bathtub at the end of a long day. A bathtub filled with vodka

* unlocks only when the BAC is over 0.4

British take on the Hegseth - Vance - Signal fiasco.

Nah, he wouldn’t be in the Signal chat if he had to do that.

That's hilarious. I actually commented on a previous post that the government needs a breathalyzer app for HegSex before performing any official Acts! 🤬 If not, block the fking drunk by using HegSex blocker! 🤞

Let’s be real, this feature would’ve saved all of us a bit of grief.

We fu*king wish…. 🙄

Brilliant 🤣🤣🤣

😂😂😂

Drunk Douche

So good!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

His relationship with the troops is on the rocks.