Hexander Spellcast

Football manager: Look, it's a game of two halves Interviewer, secretly a rooster/pheasant crossbreed: who clucking told you

🎵 Hold me closer, Minnie Driver...

What Makes You Beautiful is a prequel to Fit But You Know It. It went to her head.

Wow this ghost train is massive, you have to wonder how many people they killed to make *this* one

I personally prefer my gin a bit faster

I was feeling a little down earlier, yeah, got to hold a baby duck

this rate of posting is fundamentally unsustainable. i post more often than i have a thought.

Wait! I'm not dead! Hold your hearses!

Got out of the bath today to realise that a chunk of my thumb had gone missing. Not a fun experience. I give it 1.98 thumbs down.

I bet the golden goose was constantly worried she was only being kept around for the money

Quality over quantity equals average goodness

psst... you didn't hear this from me, but *unintelligible mumbling*

a roomba would go ham in the backrooms

Reverse Drag Race hosted by Anne Robinson where each week they eliminate the Chic-est Twink

audiophiles are like i came as soon as i heard

Maya Jama told me Faithfuls keep banishing her teammates so I asked how many teammates she has and she said she just keeps recruiting new Traitors so I said it sounds like she’s just feeding recruits to the Faithfuls and then James Acaster started crying

That Lady in Red really was one in vermilion

Brewing tea with my longlife milk and an inescapable sense of melancholy with my lifelong regret

Got caught flushing a few wipes down the toilet and was lectured about how fatbergs form. Made me feel real guilty about the time I flushed that fatberg.

Am I the only one who, when asking questions that start with "am I the only one", is actually the only one? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I am.

Does your boyfriend have erectile dysfunction? Have you tried turning him off and on again?

Take me down to the Palindrome City where the set ups don't always have punchlines

Maya Jama told me Faithfuls keep banishing her teammates so I asked how many teammates she has and she said she just keeps recruiting new Traitors so I said it sounds like she’s just feeding recruits to the Faithfuls and then James Acaster started crying

You call him a Minotaur, I call him Half Man, Half Brisket x

Coprophile hosting Mastermind: I've sharted so I'll finish...

ffs I just wanted a Mediterranean fish stew but this restaurant completely messed the order up. I should never have come here. Wrong plaice, wrong thyme.

bad horror movies are better than good horror movies, mute replies, silence notifications, post skeet

Godspeed to the people making this. If this is all the DW we'll get for the foreseeable, nothing can shield them from the unbridled fury they will receive over a show literally made for toddlers. www.doctorwho.tv/news-and-fea...

It's nice in this bucket of crabs. I don't know why anyone would even *want* to leave.

I can relate heavily to woodpeckers bc sometimes I, too, feel like smashing my face into a tree 12,000 times a day

Perpetually unbothered to look up how you're supposed to safely dispose of aerosol cans so there shall inevitably come a day where my room simply cannot be entered for all the empty deodorant

I don’t need fuck you money but it would be nice to stop having fuck me money

Please, call me 'gender'. Miss Gender was my father.

Toy Story 5: Parents should think more carefully about how their children play rather than sitting them in front of a screen all day Disney+ advert I just saw: Watch Toy Story 5 on REPEAT, over and over and OVER, NEVER stop consuming Disney Corporation-owned properties from now until you DIE

Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Diarrhoea of a Wimpier Kid

I really hope my partner-in-crime never meets my brother-in-law, they would NOT get on

First of all, this ketchup butty is delicious. It's really unhealthy, but I love the texture. That's what I call a condiment sandwich.