BaltimoreOctopus

Starting on Bluesky with zero followers, so I'm almost caught up to the number of followers I had on Twitter.

You can lead a horse to water. A horse can lead you to water. Teamwork will quench your thirst.

Mr. Deeds Goes to Town Between My Legs

Filling my yard with sharp Critters decorations for Halloween. Make it a challenge for the kids.

Someone tell the freaks in the living room that they're welcome to get it on, but they need to be out by 6.

If you add creepy, kooky, mysterious, and spooky all together you get ooky.

Get a big dish of beef chow mein? In this economy?

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume? Me: I spilled Wite-out on it.

Good Charlotte's Waldorf Worldwide Web. Is this anything?

Them: So what happens in this spooky season of the witch? Me: Um, maybe there's a rabbit in a ditch. Or, let's see, we pick up every stitch on our knitting projects. Them: Me: Beatniks? Ya know... beatniks trying to make it rich... *trails off*

Quietly sitting in the corner, watching Liberty Biberty go down on your spouse.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the most spooktacular of times.

logging on to recycle last year’s spooky jokes

What do you call a cold cephalopod? Octobrrr

🎵Gimme the creep boys And save my soul I wanna get lost in your Minecraft hole

"Love Shack"? Baby, that's "Where It's At." It's got two turntables and a microphone.

Was busy so not watching the Ravens game. But walked into a place that had it on the TV. Tied 31-31 with one second left, lining up for the game-winning field goal.

Friday: It really sucks that the Oceans Calling music festival was cancelled, but we're here and have the hotel, so at least we can spend a weekend together away from our kid. Saturday: Ah, I see that all the streets are underwater.

The ocean called, it said fuck your music festival. ☹️

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this.

Pickles using Lily as a pillow.

Without downloading new pics, describe your gender

The secret recipe is to leave it out for 10 minutes.

Slimer from Ghostbusters, but instead of ectoplasm he covers everything in nacho cheese.

Commercials for Pizza Rolls would be more realistic if they had the kids screaming in agony as they burned their mouths on the cheese filling.

I watched the cartoon movie Spellbound on Netflix. (spoilers) The king and queen are transformed into monsters by a magic spell, and the solution to break the spell and change back is to *checks notes* get a divorce?

PAUL: What’s in the box? REVEREND MOTHER: Pain. [PAUL hesitantly puts his hand in the BOX, then FROWNS IN CONFUSION. He pulls out A BAGUETTE.] REVEREND MOHER: Hōn hōn,

Dems should offer $5001

The year is 2026. The world cries out for the next Blues Traveler.

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this.

logging on for attention from strangers

Corn Flakes is short for Cornelius Flakenstein. Not many people know this.

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this.

I want the fictional main character of the novel I'm writing to be relatable, so I'm giving them one defining flaw (posting bad on Bluesky)

Tennis player Qinwen Zheng is currently playing at the US Open, and the closed captions on this TV have repeatedly spelled her name as "Ken Jeong." Must be some confused viewers.

No work today, but my real labor is posting banger after banger for no one to read.

I'll do that thing you like (delete my posts)

Penis butt-turd and jelly aaaand post.

A+ for accuracy

Bad news, I need to find time to bake a cake for my son who turns 9 today. Good news, I get to eat cake. 🎂

First day of 3rd grade. Kid has to fill out a sheet about himself. For favorite food, had to teach him how to spell paneer tikka masala.

An ‘opt out’ feature so that my posts don’t go viral seems pretty unnecessary to me, since I’ve been able to take care of that on my own by consistently sucking.

🎶And I said, "What about 2nd breakfast at Tiffany's?"🎶

Everyone is dumb. Except for you. You're ok.

typing “every time i fart it blows my penis into the air like a trumpeting elephant” into bluesky while my two and half year old across the room confidently stuffs six micro machines into his mouth

BREAKING: 45-year-old man feels joy at finally taming every breed of cat in Minecraft

They took all the cheese And put 'em in a cheese museum. And they charged the people a dollar and a half to eat them.

Come mister tally-man Tally me banana 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot ropes