John Lyon

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

ME: I like a little wine now and again. FRIEND: You drink 2 bottles a night. ME: Yes, I like it now. And then I like it again.

Thinking about going to prison so I can learn to play the harmonica.

Sometimes I worry that laying down in my free time isn’t a hobby

Frankenberry is the name of the doctor

You're approximate wait time is one hour thirty-six minutes, funk soul brother.

Starting a Bluesky band called “The Skeets.”

What's your favorite song about seeing all good people turn their heads each day so satisfied and being on your way?

I wasn’t ignoring you. I was zoning out and you interrupted me.

What base is it when she runs you over with her sugar daddy's golf cart?

Hard tacos are just nachos waiting to happen

ask your doctor if lying down in the forest to be consumed by the earth is right for you

Favourite shape: circle Least favourite shape: rough

Life taught me to be happy every chance I get.

Yeah well if you think my subject & verbs disagree often, you should meet the rest of my personality.

We ride at dawn! But kind of erratically, as we struggle to steer while we rub the sleep out of our eyes!

Bringing all the skeletons out of the closet to decorate with flair

A guy in a cloak with sharp fangs keeps knocking on the door, asking to be invited inside. I told him not without an offering of cheese.

are people still buying houses with basement hell portals

ME: Wow, today isn't so bad! TODAY: Dude. I totally forgot you were here ... [OMINOUS RUMBLING]

I waved back at someone waving at the person behind me so I walked past them pretending I was waving at someone much farther away but who is also invisible.

Adulthood is just childhood with joint pain

Them: don’t take this the wrong way Me, balling up my fist: go on…

Does your skeleton even pop wheelies, bro?

The enemy of my enemy is also an asshole.

I cut someone out of my life once for judging my Taco Bell sauce packet drawer in my kitchen.

Escape room but it's just me and a block of cheese.

Does everyone look better at closing time or do mai tais deceive me?

Last day before a week's vacation.

Humor requires intelligence, which is why idiots always take it personally.

My dog only eats his kibble in the middle of the night. During the day he waves off anything but treats, and then only takes his absolute favorite snacks. At night he cracks and eats the kibble, then in the morning he's like, "idk who broke in here, but I'd better get a treat for running him off.

looking to hire a murder of crows to murder one particular crow

If you rake leaves over my grave I'll reach up and grab your ankles. But it's just my little joke; I won't drag you to hell kids, I promise.

me: should i chronicle history or document current events? funk soul brother: write about now

No one is giving their expensive drugs to your kids for Halloween. Calm down