bryan (Taylor’s Version)

A stress ball, but it works by pulling the pin and throwing it at the source of your stress.

you can stop the trolley at any time except every major newspaper has been publishing articles titled “What If The Trolley Is Good” every week for 20 years so you’re not sure

you can’t stop the trolley or switch it’s track but you CAN gun down the trolley owner on the streets of NYC

date someone who respects your hobbies. date someone who knows you can’t control the things that have happened to you in life. date someone who doesn’t mind that you wander the streets at night sipping from the souls of the careless. date someone who loves you for you.

labeling my weed “serenity to accept the things I can’t change” and my coffee “courage to change the things I can”

one must imagine Sisyphus getting to inbox zero each day

one must imagine Sisyphus getting to inbox zero each day

a white noise machine but it’s just the sizzling and popping of hamburgers on the grill on loop

do skeleton warriors still have their ligaments or are the bones held together with magic? time sensitive question

[odysseus tying himself to the mast] I have to hear their song crew: okay but why are your pants off?

why did we just quit with salt, what if lots of rocks taste good?

I’ve been committing bigger and bigger tax fraud to build up an immunity to prosecution and this year I think I’m ready to go all the way

pikachu is adorable and my friend and I would die for him but raichu is just some rat

not a gas oven or an electric oven but a secret third thing (oven heated by military surplus napalm-b)

the ranch they serve at applebees is all the ranch that failed doritos tryouts to be cool ranch. the loser ranch

extremist violence has such a chilling effect on free speech, ever since the data center drone strike my discord server full of enlightened centrists has been so quiet

to buy things just post a picture of your credit card here in the replies and I’ll buy whatever I think you need

diagnosed? with what?

waking up like “ugh, I have so much to do today, I’m so busy all day” but my todo list is just “shower”

that’s a skill issue bro, I named my horse after the first day in the desert

tv and movies are so unrealistic, you can’t just become an evil villain by reading machiavelli and the art of war and planning the destruction of a major urban center, apparently you also need a ton of money to set up a lair and hire goons

willie AND nillie? in this economy?

sending a “u up?” text to my coworkers at 9:30am because I need a code review

LIVE through the ditches and LAUGH through the witches and LOVE in the back of my dragula

walking onto a flight like I can’t wait to breathe everyone’s air for the next few hours

a dating app that matches you by which muppet you’d fuck

what if screws moaned when you tightened them just the right amount

making fun of the mcdonald’s ice cream machine like I don’t break down once a week too

so you’re supposed to brush your teeth before bed and also right when you wake up? why is sleep so bad for my teeth? what is happening in my mouth while I’m unconscious??

what is wrong with me and how do I monetize it

the tooth fairy is great but I also have other parts of my body I want to sell, where is the fairy for that?

using these when my boss asks for a status update

what’s up youtube it’s your girl pandora back for another unboxing video, first up here we have… oh no. oh no no no

cans are such an unsafe and impractical way to store whoop ass. your whoop ass should always be locked in a safe inaccessible to children and the whoop and ass need to be stored separately

the existence of the worldwide web implies the existence of the world spider

I know it sounds embarrassing at first but I think being caught in one of those net traps that springs up from the ground and dangles you from a tree limb would be super relaxing. it’s like a free hammock

“to whom it may concern” is just “I don’t know who needs to hear this” wearing business casual

taking a quintuple dose of iron supplements every day for a month so I can hang out in all the mushroom circles I want

you’ve heard of alt text, now introducing “alter” text (it’s an edit button)

is the cure to the male loneliness epidemic becoming a necromancer and raising undead hordes to overrun your enemies? we won’t know until we try

I wouldn’t mind the higher grocery prices as much if I knew the cashier was just pocketing the money. if you’re a theiving grocery store employee hmu

seagulls are the only bird I respect. the miracle of flight and you’re using it to sit in a tree in fucking suburban ohio? be fr right now. go to the beach and scream and steal food like the smart birds

We must imagine Sisyphus employed with benefits

update for 2026: yeah

every time I wash a big pot I pretend I’m a poor servant boy in medieval europe. mustn’t leave a spot or cook will order me whipped again

I wouldn’t mind the higher grocery prices as much if I knew the cashier was just pocketing the money. if you’re a theiving grocery store employee hmu

is the cure to the male loneliness epidemic becoming a necromancer and raising undead hordes to overrun your enemies? we won’t know until we try