𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜

Sorry your boyfriend thinks cunnilingus is a type of cloud.

I’m not one of those parents that lets my daughter win everything. I think it’s important to teach life lessons that you cannot always get 1st place. Which is why I dominated in that wet t-shirt contest.

“First, I’d like to say how excited we both are to be here with you this morning.”

they should invent a peanut butter jar that doesn’t get peanut butter on the knife handle

Them: MAN OVERBOARD!!! Me: *in the water No, no, just keep going.

Which of your friends is most likely to drop an anvil on your head? Were you looking for the helper? Because that's the helper.

I don’t know any of you and you are my closest friends, so you see my dilemma

I’m of the opinion that beautiful women should not experience tummy aches

Seeing adult twins is weird. Like this isn’t cute anymore

“𝘞𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘳 was great. I mean, who doesn’t fantasize about fucking the furniture?” - film review by JD Vance

Here’s the dilemma. When we win, do we: (1) restore the rule of law and the separation of powers, and bring back civility and norms to government? or (2) descend upon them like avenging angels, punish the corrupt and complicit, and incinerate their entire legacy of hatred to ash? *sips coffee*

me: *going through mail* ugh I hate invitations her: haha join the club me: did you hear what I just said

But babe what’s a para-dig-uhm shift?

It’s called a joint because when you light one up people suddenly want to join you.

shy is short for sensual heartfelt yearner

you’re laughing? her name was lola she was a showgirl and she lost her youth, her tony, and her mind at the copacabana and YOU’RE LAUGHING??

Remember, a T-Rex costume is not just for Halloween. It's for doctor's visits, staff meetings, bowling alleys, jury duty, church

Be kind. Everybody’s here getting attention the best way they know how.

Sears, you ole devil you!

This day in history. 1975. Bruce Springsteen appeared simultaneously on the covers of Time, Newsweek, and Bolo Tie Quarterly.

Another impossible beauty standard for women

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they've caught. Female spider 2: I wouldn't worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

The carny in a coal mine will just keep telling you "It's safe, don't worry about it."

My drug of choice is a full tank of gas and three bags of groceries

perfect, no notes

me: so is it called that because it has BOOKS, or because they’re FREE? librarian: how do you keep getting in my house

sons of bibliography

Sometimes I worry I'm not making enemies fast enough.

AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

I'm old enough that I had a paper route as a kid. Kids these days just throw ipads at people's doors

I can’t wait to explode all over you - jalapeño poppers

you’re gonna love it when i bust in your mouth - mozzarella sticks

Did I just go and waste all my good material before sunrise again?

Just yelled stay out of the Halloween candy to my kids as I grabbed a snickers

𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘉𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 is my favorite song about the wonderful world of anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals.

I love your crazy parents because they aren’t my crazy parents.

I am starting to worry that democracy and safety and justice and equality might require more of me than a microblog post. fuck

Reverse frowngirl, because we look prettier when we smile

“Come back with your shield, or on it” type of love.

My neck, my back, they’re both aching, shit is whack