Tate

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

work it out. Until then ... just remember, if you think this is about you, you have a brain, presumably working fingers or mouth, either an online connection or physical space with me, and can just ... tell me what I did so we can fix this. Or don't.

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

If you think this is about you and you want to figure it out, I'm up for talking. As is, I don't feel safe or comfortable reaching out to people because I'm tired of being lashed out at. I'm tired of trying to figure out ways to have productive conversations that fail every fucking time.

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

And I can only assume that they don't, indeed, want me here.

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

I'm tired. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to feel unwanted. I don't want to draw. I don't want to write. I don't want to exist. But a lack of existence doesn't necessarily mean taking my own life this time.

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

The obsession and the paranoia only goes away when I drink. I don't want to drink my life away for people I can only guess don't want me around. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Where I'll go. If it's even worth it. Maybe I should just fade into the background again.

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

I tried to kill myself a few months back and it was specifically because of this. The feeling of being unwanted, knowing I'm done something wrong but not a god damn person willing to say what it was. They clearly don't want me around if they're not willing to say anything.

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

If I've done something wrong and no one will tell me what it is, how can I improve? At that point, I just have to take it that they don't want me around. If they wanted me around, they'd want to help me change so I'm not insufferable to have around. I'm exhausted. It never changes. I can't change.

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

And for that, I feel the accusations of 'jealousy' coming on. It's been there before. I don't want to take from others. I just want to be included and to be treated the same. I don't want to feel shut out. I don't want to feel like everyone is holding their breath and waiting for me to leave.

Sometimes what seems like jealousy ... is not. Jealousy is wanting to take something from someone - not even to keep it, but just to TAKE it. To hurt them. To menace. I'm struggling with feeling like I must be a vile person just because I notice things have changed, and that I'm bitter about it.

I do not want to take anything from anyone. I am happy that everyone else can be happy. I don't want to take it from them. But I want to feel welcome and wanted. I do not feel like that right now. And it's hardly just in one place. I feel like I'm halfway out the door everywhere I exist.