Topical Reference Pun

Just learned about the PBS show with an autistic hoarder raccoon and I'm dying

The upside of this is that I can now rename my fantasy team from "Jalen, Stop, That Hurts" to "More Like Jalen Hurt." (I've had this joke ready since Week 1).

Me: Hey there! I came by to take you to therapy last week but I couldn't get a hold of you. Client, flopped on his bed, speaking slowly and slurring his words: Yeah, I was high. Me: Are you high right now? Clt: ...yeah, a little.

New tattoos be like "I'm in my peeling era. I'm scabpilled."

Weekend plans: fushigi

Me: I need to disclose a new personal relationship HR: Okay, who is it? Me: Steve is now my bitch

Got a new one.

Yeah, I'm going to a wedding, but I'm still punk rock. Right, guys? Right?

Was trying to talk to someone on Bumble about my cat and accidentally sent her a screenshot of the Wikipedia page explaining Posadism

Welcome to Bluesky.

"Do you have the time?" "Yeah man, it's 0̴̢̡̛̮̭̗̞̻̦͉̪̪̦̖̪̳͕̱̙̻͈̗͇̯̻̮̹͂͆̍̋͂̅̽̍͊̑̽͊̒̔̂̆̔̃̌̕͜͝͠0̷̞̲̲͙̺̱͍͓̱̼̬̥͔͈̼̦͓̳̮̋̀͑̓̔͂̄̎̐̌̌̉͛͜ͅͅ0̵̡̨̛̛̲͚͎͖̰̳͚̦̯̬̄͒̈́͑͋̌́̀ͅ0̷̛͉̈́̌̌̓̇̏̄̕͠͠"

As a millennial the Iraq war was when I learned America felt no responsibility for human life abroad and hurricane Katrina was when I learned it felt no responsibility for American lives either

Got brunch alone. Old guy at the bar next to me gave me unsolicited advice and information on: -What to order -What other places to eat around here -The names of all the female servers -Which servers around here are single -How to find a wife -His construction business

Family group chat

Uhhhh

Latest pickups. Some old, some new(ish).

"You don't know anyone at the show? Talk to people and make new friends!" Counterpoint: I could do this.

I have this thing where I feel like I always have to have read the source material before I see a film adaptation, and The Odyssey is my final boss of this.

Y'all want anything from goth McDonald's?

Why, when picking a shirt to wear to an airport, do some people select the one that's like "🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸I'M AN AMERICAN GOD BLESS AMERICA 🦅🦅🦅SUCK MY DICK🎆🎆🎆 FUCK YOU ✝️✝️✝️AMEN PRAISE JESUS 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸"?

Oh, fuck off.

CPR trainer: Scenario: you and your factory co-worker hear a crash. You look and see your boss on the ground, unresponsive. What do you do? Me: Seize the means of production?

Completing my to-do list by moving everything to later in the week

My client with delusions of persecution has learned about the concept of gangstalking, so that's fun.

Are people talking about the banana suit on here too?

Trans man friend said "happy pride month" and I said it back and went to kiss him and he stopped me??? Like okay sorry for being an ally I guess 🙄

Welp

Three hours of struggling to focus before I realized I forgot to take my Adderall.

Local band that I hate *finally* dropped an album after first posting about it two years ago. Currently hate-listening. It's HORRIBLE. I love it.

I'm making progress skimboarding.

I set the high score and earned a free punch and then set another high score and earned another free punch and then finally had someone record this one.

taylor lorenz screaming at the shooter for not wearing a mask

Nothing makes me happier than spending $11 on an obscure 10".

Email I sent: "Hello local charity. My client needs utility assistance. Attached are the necessary documents. He doesn't currently have a phone, so you can respond to this email at the number below. [Email signature with my number]" Response I got: "What's his phone number?"

Co-worker sent me this unironically.

While leaving work on Friday, I texted my team group chat that I was hiding eggs around the office for them to find today. I did not hide any eggs. One co-worker spent 20 min looking this morning.

POV: You just returned from a week of PTO and turned on your work phone

Gonna go make some bad decisions brb

I saw you at the

Everything I say should be considered legal advice and I am licensed to provide therapy.

I have a funny relationship with my ex.

I’m telling every Gen Z person about how The Offspring is problematic so that guys like Ben Shapiro have to pretend to have always liked them

Gonna go up to HR and tell them that my paychecks are none of their business.

I made the mistake of checking my client's Facebook and at first it was just really amusing but now I feel the need to document and contact my supervisor lolololol

Happy birthday to one of my favourite haters, Charles Darwin

I'm watching the biathlon and these poor women are missing two shots and the commentators are going "Aw, such a shame, no way she gets a medal now." It's making me sad.

Green Day was underwhelming. The game is underwhelming. Everything is very meh.