DAVE! - Available in cinnamon and mercantile green

And my iCloud storage is going to remain full because why the fuck would I want to give Apple more money?

Ok, AI, time for some yardwork. Grab those clippers and meet me outside. Grab those clippers. Grab those clippers, AI. The clippers right there, grab them. AI, grab those clippers. Grab ‘em. Pick ‘em up, they’re right there. The ones right there. Grab those. Go ahead and grab them. Grab those cli

Every single day there’s a new video uploaded by a bald guy who claims this is the end of some right wing someone or something, and yet here we are, standing waist deep in a septic tank.

Never been to a Cheesecake Factory, but context clues tell me it’s dog shit.

In 5 years you’ll find Vivek emptying trash at a Biloxi casino.

wat

So… what’s the iPhone Duo doing for you that the previous iPhone couldn’t? Besides breaking faster and getting you to give Apple another grand or two, that is.

Let’s do this in America.

“Come out here and do a little soft shoe for the people, Nikki.”

They should make a Ghostbusters movie about that other Ghostbusters cartoon.

Hello. I’m John Toilet, and this… is my wine.

“…and then white peoples showed up and turned it all to shit. The end.”

Oh, no, she’s my sister. I’m Whitney El Paso.

“That was a major pain in the ass and not worth it.” - everything

“I don’t need to pull out my phone and record what I just wrote. There’s no way I’ll forgot what it is and how to play it.” - me, the fucking idiot who never learns.

Ozempic making ghoul costumes a lot easier this year.

Let’s just recall that she is talking about a twelve-year-old.

Don’t worry, I’ll be praying for something.

god in heaven MAKE A NEW THING. anything! i don’t even care if it’s bad as long as it’s new!

Boy, I sure hope I write a song that a pharmaceutical company will use in their commercials after I die.

Dates, dates Good for your heart

grok what would a smart guy say

I honestly can’t think of anything lamer than a haunted car wash.

What's always amazing to me is how cheap politicians are to buy. $40k in campaign contributions in return for a $10M contract??

there are whole other worlds out there waiting for you bro

The Ghostbusters had an open position and only one person, in all of New York, applied.

I'm on the fence about this because I've always been totally phobic of that Kennedy bust, which is horrible and looks like it is made of feces. www.cnn.com/2026/10/19/p...

What you get offered in the men’s room at the LSU game

l o l

Wow. He’s just not in there.

If you listen to Metallica’s discography in reverse order, they keep getting better and better.

I just wanna make sure I get this right: vaccines - Bad! weekly Ozempic injections that destroy your fat cells from the inside out - Good!

You know Metallica’s washed when Fox News is in their corner.

Elon Musk is single-handedly funding the Ken Paxton campaign:

My little honky tonk woman is shaking her boogie woogie turd out on the dance floor.

Maybe Home Depot employees could find shit to patch drywall if 80% of the fucking store wasn’t Christmas and Halloween decorations.

If true, this revolutionary new invention has the potential to quickly kill literally thousands of people in some of the most embarrassing ways imaginable.

“Use AI to summarize this chat” I can READ, motherfucker. It’s a prerequisite for being in a chat group in the first place, you retarded whore.

Good stuff is, like, good and stuff.

The Reaper takes many forms.

🎶Play us a song, you’re the piano man 🎶Play the piano tonight 🎶These lyrics here are copyright free 🎶But you still hear the song in your head

Barron Trump just looks brittle as shit.

If anyone is having trouble luring Kimberly Guilfoyle out from her log, I’ve had pretty good success with Little Stinker catfish bait.