Ish

I put the “funk” in “barely functioning.” 🕺

1. Not sure when a new, on-the-record rape allegation against a sitting president isn’t considered news — especially considering Trump was found liable by a jury in a similar case — but it was ignored by most mainstream media outlets

“Ham fisted” sounds bad but also? Delicious

A 2025 Nobel Prize winner in chemistry, Omar Yaghi is the son of Palestinian refugees who grew up in Jordan. He just left the US to move to China after raising concerns about rising anti-immigrant sentiment, like the kind shown here. donmoynihan.substack.com/p/china-than...

Time heals all wounds but it would be nice if time could hurry the fuck up

I put the “funk” in “barely functioning.” 🕺

I hope I like my new body wash from Costco, because I just made a nine month commitment to smelling like sandalwood and cypress.

Me, when I get Connections: heh, that was a good one Me, when I don’t get Connections: this is a travesty, a mockery of the English language, NYT Games fucked with the wrong guy

Whatever, I liked it

Whatever, I liked it

Calendars on August 12: Birthday of Erwin Schrödinger (Observed?)

🎶 When the moon hits your eye Like the sunset implied A priori 🎶

Calendars on August 12: Birthday of Erwin Schrödinger (Observed?)

Every time I see a piled of tainted, rotting meat on my timeline, I know it’s because the food next to him has been recalled.

I’m doing this thing called micro-intermittent fasting, where I don’t eat between bites. Not a lot of visible results yet, but do I feel better? Not really.

When I was growing up, we didn’t get free gender-reassignment surgery at school. We had to sell magazine subscriptions and candy door-to-door to pay for it.

Big lavish party? Everybody drinking bubble tea? Buddy, you’re at a boba fête.

I am incorrigible. Just try to corrig me - you can’t do it!

Larry Baer: Tony Vitelllo is taking a lot of heat. People are saying you made a bad hire. Buster Posey: Yeah. We need to change the subject. Larry: The fans need something else to focus on. Buster: I have an idea. Hold my $19 beer.

This guy would look REALLY NICE with a Stanzo brand fedora. (They’re nice.)

And here we see Trump bestowing the Congressional Medal of Honor on Luca Brasi

I think the Mar-Kwaynes were the house band at Stax Records in the mid-60s.

In 1972, Don McLean’s “American Pie” went to #1 on the US pop charts for four weeks - long enough to play the whole song beginning to end six times.

I can dissociate or be in a constant low-grade state of rage all the time

Schumer is always raring to avoid a confrontation

New Delhi has so many Indian people you could swear you’re in Fremont

⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ (When dogs play Connections)

⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ (When dogs play Connections)

I feel like this policy discriminates against people like me without talent.

He’s Willie Loman but even sadder

My bank's website is one letter off from a gross German porn site and it's annoying because I keep accidentally visiting my bank's website.

My dog is tripping so hard on CBD, he thinks he’s a World War I flying ace shot down behind enemy lines.

If AI can’t start by solving the problem of its own massive energy needs, what even is the point?

The klepto- part of the kleptocracy seems to be trending today.

Brock Bowers fantasy owners:

“Holsey did in fact quit,” Rep Adam Smith told me. “So we need to hear: Did he quit because he believed he was being given illegal orders?” How is it possible that we may never hear the answer to this question?

His Royal Highness the Defendant of York

I need an allergy medicine that keeps you up for exactly 2 more hours then knocks you out for 8. I need Duskquil.

aaand we are officially in the hide-your-neighbors stage

The pilot for my tv show, “Conrad Oakhaven: Wine Lawyer” is not garnering a lot of interest from the big networks yet

I hope the NYT and other legacy media are proud of their role in midwifing this guy back into office

the invisible hand of the market keeps punching my dick

“Isaac Chotiner wants to interview you” is the new “Mike Wallace and a camera crew are on their way to your office”

Did you know? If you text 741741 when you are feeling really depressed or suicidal, a crisis worker will text you back. Many people feel more comfortable texting than talking out loud. Feel free to share. Someone who needs to know this might see it, and that would be a Good Thing.

I can’t resist Mexican breakfast. It’s my chilaquiles heel.

Taco Bell is perfect for people who want diarrhea, but don’t have a lot of time.

Don’t kid yourself, you need more sleep than you think

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

House of Pain gave us better medical advice than RFK Jr ever did or will

Me, arriving in hell: Why am I here? Satan: (shows supercut of spectacularly wrong things I put in the recycling bin) Me: Fair enough