Jacob Carlson

Hiss. Grr. Feeding on alligators. This place is frustratingly adorable and delicious.

Yeah I know Dolan can read my thoughts based on the fluctuations of the way my left pinky moves or whatever, idc, MSG during a Knicks game is a special place.

I swear this man lives his life as a ceaseless quest to laud every item on the Shit Jake Hates list

The dark side of nominative determinism.

If you were a teenager in the suburbs in the early 90s you used to have to go over to this guy's house to buy pot youtu.be/dS7vUyEOnfE?...

They should let tiger eat the whole man, too. Tony won the fight, seems only fair to give him the spoils. www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026...

Age yourself with your childhood crush

Some pretty great incidental juxtaposition in the TL tonight

Ask me tomorrow and 7 of them will be different.

I should start a service (paid) where people can consult me during a variety of situations or considerations and I'll tell them how to be right. It's an enormous market and frankly I'm being selfish by not serving it.

The fact that I saw this vehicle in the parking lot for the Whole Foods on Haight St. is a little on the nose.

Hey when did blueberries become Large? I don't mind, I enjoy a large berry, it just feels like I missed an announcement or something.

Fact: fires keep Sunday Scaries away

So there’s an AI company who just raised a $4.65B seed round. Obviously they’re calling it that as a joke, but that’s just a lot worse. Don’t do that guys. Any of it. Stop doing things of that nature.

Front page of today's Financial Times at LHR. Fun times ahead!

No man, we can’t go public this year, are you fucking stupid? Do you not get it? If we go public then everyone can see how powerful this shit is and the world will end. God, you people are so dumb sometimes. Just give me more money and stop asking stupid questions.

As someone who lived at Elizabeth & Grand from 2001-2004 I would like to say "no fucking shit." www.nytimes.com/2026/09/07/n...

I just learned that not only did Linda Blair-- the actor who played the possessed girl in The Exorcist-- date Rick James, but that he would go on to write “Cold Blooded” about her after their breakup.

Oh wow, this rules. TIL that My People have for centuries had their own diagnosis equivalent to CRPS. And Elfshot at least gives a cause beyond the "lol idk, let's put a computer in your spine" I got for the $2M+ spent on American doctors. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elfshot

Yoda’s corner store, the Dagobah Bodega.

I’ve been back in NYFC for 45 minutes and it’s genuinely stupid that I live somewhere else.

Is this James Patterson’s ghost writer ghost writing for Mr. Beast under the James Patterson “author brand”? Things are so weird.

2many drag queens 2soon

Sarah Lawrence College has class interviews this week and apparently a meeting for FLMH 3149 R 1 "Divadom and Drag" was meeting when the Dolly news broke. Can you imagine being in a Zoom of prospective students for a course in Divadom and Drag when you got news that Dolly Fucking Parton had died?

[Exit Queen.]

Everything should be closed. Now.

You have to be with it. You have to let it be.

The results of the video I posted earlier was this iconic shot 👏 Danny León and his crew smashed it.

Everyone is dunking on this, but it makes sense that a writer for an outlet that seems to disdain writing would not understand the purpose of reading.

So that’s the thing to know, if you’re a tabloid that’s going to name-check me in another round of transphobic shit about Bluesky discourse. I don’t stand with you. I stand with my trans friends and family members. ⏹️

what did we use with the Morris worm?

Quoting my daughter who, just now during a discussion on how movie theaters should serve cheese platters, "because what are Lunchables, if not dressed-up charcuterie boards?