Kate Johnson

5 June 2025

THE PROMISED QUEEN is out today! If you like fantasy, romance, romantasy, adventure, action, thievery, double crossing and sexytimes… you might like it. You can buy it here: mybook.to/TPQ

I’m googling why fireworks are going off tonight and this was the answer

I am looking up whether Halloween was a thing in the Regency (it wasn’t really) but I’ve just seen a very confident assertion that Samhain only existed in Scotland and Ireland because there weren’t any Celtic people in England. Boudicca:

Why do all banks seem utterly baffled by the very concept of power of attorney or court orders? How is this? Literally the first time? Any of them have ever had to deal with it?

So I just had a major panic that my shower was broken because I could hear the pump running three hours after I turned the shower off. I started to worry that it was the extractor fan and I don’t know where the cut-off is for it. Vast amounts of money are mentally leaving my bank account to pay…

… somebody to fix this. But do you know what was actually broken? It wasn’t the shower. It wasn’t the extractor fan. It’s worse than that. IT’S MY BRAIN

The thing that was making the noise? The noise that I thought I was going to have to pay somebody hundreds of pounds to fix? It was this.

How is this an apex predator? Look at him. Just look at him.

House of Games today. If anyone tells me to take shorter showers I will fucking END them.

Against my will* I am watching the Traitors. First of all I need to know why so many people are wearing yellow. Second of all, I would fail this game four words into Claudia’s ten minute monologue on the rules of today’s game.

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…how they’re a loser and don’t care about raising money for charity. Every one else will be released in birth order… of their first pet. The first person released has to dig up the others but the spade is hidden in a tree beginning with F.”

Listen can you write that down for the people with ADHD (ie most of them, they’re actors & comedians) cos we all tuned out after the first 25 minutes.

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…but only if the people with an S in their name haven’t done it. After this we’re going to bury you all alive in coffins, and you can only get out if you solve this riddle. It’s going to be told to you backwards after you get in the coffin, which will be nailed shut. Once…

…you’ve solved the riddle, ring the bell, which you will find in the position Harry Kane plays, to play the national anthem of Uruguay. The first person to cry because they’re scared of being locked in the coffin will spend the rest of the day thinking about…

“For today’s task, you have to stand in a circle and hold the hand of the person on your right. Then you have to repeat this chant three times. It’s four verses long. Then stand on your left leg. Only once everyone has done that in alphabetical order, you can proceed to step two…

*no one is making me. But there’s nothing else on and Tom has settled on my lap

Told my dad about the false widow. “Are they poisonous?” No, no. Don’t be silly. Of course it isn’t poisonous. It is venomous, though.

Kate Johnson@k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social

Well. I won’t share a photo of it, but I’m pretty sure the spider that just ran across my knee and then got yeeted into my (empty) cereal bowl was a false widow.

Well. I won’t share a photo of it, but I’m pretty sure the spider that just ran across my knee and then got yeeted into my (empty) cereal bowl was a false widow.

Unrelated: Tom just came in with what looks like half a spider leg on his fur. Good Tom. Good cat.

Suspect this is Tom’s version of checking his eyelids for holes

Sadness. I finished @tkingfisher.com’s Daggerbound and now I don’t want to read anything else because it won’t be as good.

When you’ve left a two inch scratch on your mum’s knee, but you’re so stinking cute she doesn’t really mind.

Me: why are people staring at me today? My t-shirt:

#strictly Craig just criticised someone’s topline and I was like

22 Sept

BBC should’ve got a few quid for the Doctor Who fund from #BakeOff

22 Sept

You know when your brain can’t decide between two words so it tries to say both at the same time? This is why I just referred to something as a “double Nintendo.”

What’s the odds on Gwen West dancing to Stacey’s Mom at some point in the next few weeks? Evens? 1/10? #Strictly

Or even Melanie Walters. Who needs real names, eh?

Kate Johnson reposted

Nick Harkaway

@nickharkaway.com

Replying to @nickharkaway.com

They are built for a mission which is definitionally impossible. You cannot beat the sea. This Earth should be called Ocean and the water is the most powerful thing on it. But these folks volunteer to go out there and fight it anyway because humans should take care of humans.

So Openreach have put up a notice that they intend to install a new pole outside my house, with a link to object but very little info on what to object to. The What3Words link is the corner of my house/driveway/garden/pavement we literally had resurfaced (at private expense) last month. There’s…

…a reference number but I can’t find where to look that up. Thing is they installed a new pole opposite the house about a year ago (with no notice). It’s like 20ft away. Are they moving it? Will they dig up the pavement/roses/drive/front steps? How do I find out?

15 Sept

If I have to see that “let’s save water!” ad using children to emotionally manipulate me to take shorter showers* in order to save the environment that is being burnt to a fucking crisp by a government wringing its hands over climate change, building data centres, championing AI and doing…

15 Sept

…fuck-all about water companies leaking like the Titanic I am going to SCREAM.

15 Sept

*shorter how? I only spend the time I need to in the shower. Are you all out there just hanging out under the hot spray reading fucking War & Peace or something?

Alas, I cannot wear this in my village today. Cos it’s too fucking hot and muggy. But as soon as the weather turns less sweaty, Trixie & I will be cycling past all those embarrassingly tatty engurland flags, proudly boasting the RNLI logo.

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I think at one time there might have been a tow-haired plot moppet involved, and that’s when I knew I had to stop fantasising and get out of bed. I’m actually embarrassingly scared of the sea considering I’m a Pisces. The only time…

…the RNLI might conceivably have needed to help me was if I’d fallen off the Padstow ferry after too much Doom Bar at lunch, which also never happened. The falling, that is. The Doom Bar definitely happened)

(As I lounged in bed this morning I idly considered making up a story for all the haters about how the RNLI saved my life once. I, a blonde blue-eyed person so white it hurts your eyes, would look them down from my lofty Aryan height and inform them that to hate the RNLI was to hate white people.

10 Sept

Don’t want to alarm anyone, but I’ve bought my first Christmas present. It was completely perfect for the recipient, and I knew if I left it and came back later it would’ve either sold out, or I’d completely forget about it (ADHD object permanence FTW).

10 Sept

So now of course it will sit forgotten on a heap of other stuff in my office until it gets to December where upon I will either forget where I put it or forget that it exists entirely (see above re-ADHD object permanence).

8 Sept

No we fucking don’t

8 Sept

Brb just disinfecting my hand until it bleeds

6 Sept

Picked up ring doughnuts instead of jam ones. This’ll have to do.

4 Sept

Well, after my second assessment, I have a diagnosis. I thought I’d have to wait for the report, but apparently it was so clear she could tell me there and then. It’s… (drumroll, wheel the massive cake in, get the glitter cannon ready)…

4 Sept

Combined ADHD! (That means it’s both hyperactive and inattentive. Hey look a squirrel)

Jeevani Charika / Rhoda Baxter

31 Aug

Me: I’ll just cycle home now The weather:

Kate Johnson reposted

@jeevanicharika.bsky.social

29 Aug

'Warm, charming, with an utterly adorkable hero – this really was irresistible!' Kate Johnson, author of Hex Appeal Office romance Sea side Melting Mr Grumpy Fish and chips (beware the seagulls) https://books2read.com/ResistU

26 Aug

I’m sorry, but we’re going to need to have a word with the Reaper about which 80-year-olds they’re taking.

26 Aug

Guess who just fixed the garage door that has been broken for decades? One key, one cord, a lot of WD-40 and about ten minutes of work. Am basically super hero now.