Turducken Carlson

Damn, I really have some dope-ass memories with people who can go straight to hell

My texting history for the last three weeks: Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop

Ordem e progresso 🇧🇷

The Valkyries are up 42-26 at halftime!! #Game4

#Caturday mood

My favorite part of winter is watching it on TV from California 🌴

Dear undecided voters, If there are 10 people on the bus, and 3 vote to drive off the cliff, 2 vote against it, and 5 people don't vote, you're all going off the cliff. GO VOTE.

A vegan, a crossfitter, and a guy who just saw 'Digger' walk into a bar. It's the same guy. Only one guy walked into the bar. Oh god why won't he shut up

You know who else has never passed a bar? Pete Hegseth. #happyMonday 🍸 🧉 🍶 🍷

Good meowrning #Caturday

I am pleased to report that I have just been appointed White House Press Secretary

So Liz Truss = Four Scaramuccis = Eleven Zacharias.

To be mathematically exact, 1 Scaramucci (11 days) is 2.2 Zacharias (5 days). Or, 1 Zacharia Is 0.45 Scaramuccis. 💙

If people ever think you ignored their text, just remind them you’re attempting to process a nonstop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to mate, forage for food all day, and eat berries in a cave

I attended Four Seasons Lawscaping School

Marry a man who's older than you, so by the time you're losing your beauty, he's also losing his eyesight Follow me for more life advice

#Caturday

"Don't follow me, I'm lost"

It's Artificial Intelligence. It's Twitter. It's the Gulf of Mexico. It's Lake Ontario. It's the Department of Defense. It's the Kennedy Center.

Fun fact: after the movies, the Annabelle doll got into politics

heated rivalry but its two divorced soccer moms with fourth graders on opposing teams

My biggest ADHD talent is looking directly at something I need to take with me, and then leaving without it

Two years ago, the reflection pool was reflecting, the East Wing was intact, the Kennedy Center was artistically thriving, gasoline was affordable and USAID was saving lives. GO VOTE. We don't have to live like this.

Just woke up from a wet dream about Elon Musk where I ran him over with a Cybertruck and laughed so hard I peed my PJs.

If all Cornell students need for absolution is to write an essay... ...then so can Luigi Mangione.

Ask yourself if internal monologues are right for you

Happy Mean Girls Day to those who celebrate 🎀

A tiny bit of gentle advice for the men: before you try to explain or pontificate anything about the Cornell 7 to a woman, please remember chances are she’s already an expert 🙏🏻

@triviateamnames.bsky.social The Schmitt Has Hit the Fan

Eric Schmitt be like

Eric Schmitt be like

"Please do not accept a friend request from my parents. They've been hacked." ~ Lizzie Borden

BREAKING NEWS: Trump deports El Niño

My favorite fall activity is going outside without being hot and pissed off

Nirvana's "Nevermind" was released 35 years ago today #GenX #GenerationX

Passive Analysis of Visual Alderaanian Iconography

I asked ChatGPT to name my baby. It said John Connor

There was a time in the 1990s when you could pull up next to someone at a red light and ask if they had any mustard

Ed Sheeran's new album just dropped

Christening a baby is nothing like christening a ship. I know that now. Once again I can only apologise.

BREAKING NEWS: it turns out that Lauren Boebert was the one eating the cats this whole time 🐾

When the song responsible for your bad decisions in the 2000s is now playing at the supermarket while you compare sodium and fat gram levels #GenX #GenerationX

Update: Tilly Norwood has died

Thank you @softtail65.bsky.social for including me in your starter pack!

@triviateamnames.bsky.social The Fled Sheeran Tour

BREAKING NEWS: Kid Rock will be opening for Ed Sheeran at the Kennedy Center

LIV Tyler’s full name is Fifty Four Tyler