Bob and his evil twin, also Bob

Maybe giving unlimited power to the dumbest motherfucker ever born wasn't the best idea.

So there will never be a President Harris...

I have reached an age when I wake up with forty-year-old commercial jingles playing in my head. Today it's, "A sprinkle a day helps keep odor away!" You're welcome, olds.

Tell me a story about something that will never, ever, happen.

I live in a rural town and, like, I don't know how to tell you this, but the girls play on the boys team and vice versa all the time because otherwise we don't have enough players for a game and it's literally always fine so stop being weirdos about kids sports and just let trans kids play.

I agree with your position and would gladly sign your petition if there were a way to do that without engendering 5000 future text messages from people I never heard of who can't succeed without at least a little bit of my money.

how much is cheesecake factory paying obama

"Long term, I'm an old man with a degenerative brain disorder."

unsubscribing motherfuckers I never heard of in my life

If still debating whether Donald Trump or Elon Musk willfully crippled Ukraine's missile defense, helping to slay innocent civilians, you are a rube. If the U.S. President had no role, then an oligarch governs national security. If not, the U.S. President serves Russia. Both answers are mortifying.

The pedophile protection party’s president is laundering right-wing conspiracy theories through the most corrupt DOJ in American history. Whenever the news turns bad, this creep reaches for one name: mine. So let’s make it crystal clear. My name has always been Ilhan Omar.

When they make movies about fictional guys who do the kind of heinous shit that Elon Musk actually does, no one is ever disappointed when Gary Busey dies at the end. It doesn't even have to be the hero that kills him: gruesome, ironic accidents are also acceptable.

I am the Walrus in my pants

- There is a well-established link between scented panty liners and autism. - All mentions of women’s breasts will be officially changed to “honkers.” - Menopausal women are advised to just walk into the sea. buff.ly/ycFDqJW

an entire stadium chanting “fuck your podcast” at a player is very very funny

truck nutz, but as venture capital...investicles

Ukraine was winning the war, so Trump kneecapped Ukraine to help Russia. I wish it weren’t that simple, but it is. Our president is in bed with our enemies.

I have never cared who this pestiferous, criminal shitbag wants to fuck, and I can't not care more violently than I do now.

I have decided to take up stochastic errorism.

YOU HAD HIS EMAILS AS A GEORGE BUSH LAWYER WHERE HE SAID OF ROE THAT THE "COURT CAN ALWAYS OVERRULE ITS PRECEDENT, AND THREE CURRENT JUSTICES ON THE COURT WOULD DO SO."

I think Maine needs someone who isn’t a hopeless rube or shameless liar then

I just spent ten minutes explaining to my collegues that all our computer systems are completely fucked up because they think it's Monday, October 20, which is not a date that exists this year. We have since established that today is actually Tuesday, but now nobody trusts me anymore.

JD - I've got 15 free minutes before my son's hockey practice ends, so let me see how many of Trump's enrichment schemes you didn't see that I can remind you of. 1/ First one is easy: Trump has executed over 30,000 stock trades, many on inside information, netting him millions.

Asking morons questions is an excellent way to find out what morons think.

This is a stupid, stupid man.

Yup, we need him out there campaigning as much as possible.

Flying cars from the man who brought us self-driving cars that run people over and rockets that explode on the launchpad seems like a natural progression.

I'll block a motherfucker for the "but he lacks the depth and warmth" line, every time.

must have been one helluva chase

Dear Everywhere I Ever Spend Money, If I wanted to rate my experience giving you money, I would be writing you fucking fan letters. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

There is a apparently someone named Shane Gillis. I'm already sick of him.

His legacy as Trump's bottom bitch?

He thinks he can executive order Russia and Ukraine?

this isn't who we used to pretend to be

I am going to continue to use the term "Artificial Intelligence," because I am an ENEMY of The White House.

I could be wrong but pointing out that Republicans are, in fact, Nazis, and then explaining in detail why they are Nazis, might be an effective line of attack!

Ossoff's superpower is that he correctly thinks his opponent is a contemptible piece of shit and he is willing to explain why in clear and direct language. bsky.app/profile/atru...

I wish a motherfucker would try.

If there's an organization more useless than the White House Press Corps, what is it and what is it for?

downloading nene royal covers of songs I don't even like

Is there a manifesto somewhere that explains why lithium batteries are impossible to get out of the goddamn fucking package?

He is stealing our money to make ads calling us Communists and whatever else Roy Cohn tells him to say when the lights start blinking...and pretending that he's ever picked up the tab for anything, ever, in his cheap, miserable, piece-of-shit waste of a life.

All I’m saying is before the internet existed every bar had a cigarette vending machine and everybody had sex all the time

This is called attempting to buy votes, and it's so insanely illegal that only an insane criminal would do it. In this case an insane criminal liar, because this motherfucker never ponies up the dough.

Seriously, man: who even ARE these people whose emails I have to unsubscribe from every fucking day?