mean things I say to myself

On a scale of 1 to 10 for hotness, I would rate myself a good listener

Fate has always been listening in on our devices to make funny coincidences, so we choose destiny instead of chance. It fed our words back funny from sundials even. I just said even, now it's evening

My drug of choice is a full tank of gas and three bags of groceries

A lot of what's wrong with me would be fixed by hugging a baby giraffe

I’m of the opinion that beautiful women should not experience tummy aches

Clown car, take me away!

Yes, I still have student loans. I’m not done with the students I borrowed. They’re painting my house.

That old catchphrase was right. It was no moon, it was a space station. Tides are a robot. Moods are what you plug into. The mysteriously romantic ambience of night, good old fashioned jailbreaks for kissing

never been more proud of a photo i’ve taken tbh

Quilting in October is witchcrafting.

“Good to meet you” lied the introvert while dying inside.

Skipping joyfully in the fall has an entirely different feeling to it, especially in the old graveyard, even a zombie can pronounce tra la la and then it's cynicism that's dead

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out razorblades

Former presidents are just roasting the hell out of the White House redo today and it’s going to drive Trump absolutely insane

it's wild how often you're watching dateline or whatever and the victim's coworkers say they knew something was wrong when they didn't show up on time for work, which is sooo unlike them. nobody's murdering us chronically late bitches bc they can't fucking find us

I would share the statistics I've gathered on crop circles but the spreadsheets are just punkass farm numbers flattening out rows and columns with boards

A stress ball, but it works by pulling the pin and throwing it at the source of your stress.

all of this has always been about getting back at the uppity women who wouldn’t fuck them

Voted with my friend Congresswoman Ilhan Omar today. You should get out and vote early too.

It's a little harder to make jokes when your whole life seems to be a cruel one

An amazing image from Twin Peaks, Dune, and Fallout star Kyle MacLachlan's memoir "Fictional Selves" that just shows how awesome Patrick Stuart is.

Liberté, Biberté, Fraternité

Before saying anything, I should say "but what do I really want to say," because if I don't the answer is always "something to do with crop circles." So if I say nothing, I did say it, this haircut is just my hot takes

I'm a healthy person, and I have one dream. And it involves you, Donald.

Gather ‘round, kids, let me tell you a story. There was a time when there would be a saxophone solo before the guitar solo, and it made everybody very, very happy. People are gonna tell you not to do drugs but I don’t know, man. I don’t know

Halloween decorating tip: Get two 12-foot skeletons and pose them like they’re boning

Girl, are you a Big Mac? ‘Cause fulfillment of my intense desire for you is always followed by queasy regret.

Trust me, I will never mistake your Mini Cooper for a Kia Soul

Experts in their fields would have you go on a documentary and interview in basic shared knowledge for their specific thrill, narrators crawling Ring-like out of the tv to beg for some fucking jargon ffs

I can't promise you much but I can promise that I will never misuse Flock camera data to track your whereabouts

Asking the magic 8 ball if I have mites.

70 percent of the internet was vulnerable yesterday to very bad security flaws inside a coding language. Turns out, *one volunteer* is mostly responsible for maintaining that code & helping push updates. Yesterday Ondřej Surý saved the internet. So I called him up www.theatlantic.com/technology/2...

Morning: 30 minutes on the leg press machine. 1hr lengths in the pool. Afternoon: What a lovely day. I think I'll take a nice stroll to the shops. Much, much later that afternoon, deliriously googling: how much fo helicaptor tek me hoem? Wear can by new leggs?

People who say you can’t buy happiness: Can you not see this large order of fries?