jordan [ham]

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA: SLUTTY BARBERA THORNHILL

never been more proud of a photo i’ve taken tbh

same

SO a 19 year old boy’s robot sexually assaulted a 16 year old girl and I am sure this is somehow not illegal in trumps world

me: tbh I can’t be bothered with dating apps anymore also me:

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA: SLUTTY LIP LINER PENCIL IN LISA BARLOW’S HAND

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS: SLUTTY TECH SUPPORT REP SLUTTY SKELETON SLUTTY TARGET LADY SLUTTY GREMLIN SLUTTY CASHIER SLUTTY CIVIL WAR NURSE

HALLOWEEN TIP: HAND OUT SLICES OF DELI HAM. ITS SPOOKY AND KIDS WILL TALK ABOUT YOU FOR THEIR WHOLE LIVES (“one halloween our neighbor put slices ham in my treat bag”)

I mean sure why not

My favorite siren from O Brother Where Art Thou was the thick one fite me

I don’t think anyone would really mind if NyQuil glowed in the dark

I am now basket sexual and will not be taking questions at this time.

I was one of the runaways found as a result of the Runaway Train music video and other random lies I tell

I would rather take my chances at a truck stop glory hole than accept a kiss on the cheek from Elon Musk

I feel like trump has thoughts on the kelly clarkson bird situation

Cat behavior Tail is up: invitation to friendly interaction Tail is curly: invitation to play Tail is holding a gun: be careful, this might not be a cat

wore my HEY COLONIZER shirt for colonoscopy2 and they gave us halloween word searches to do while we waited. an old woman volunteer said she made it for patients and was pumped to hear we thought it was a hard one but words like cadaver and tombstone may have been triggering AT THE HOSPITAL 😂

getting a colonoscopy on indigenous peoples day so I am gonna tell the doc to not to colonize my butthole

Harlan Coben’s I’ve Got Your Nose

If you’re in line to vote for The Nobel Prize in Power Point Presentation stay in line

Ska music was invented when a trumpet player fell down the stairs while practicing

big mistake giving me a business credit card because h e l l yes I am having wendy’s delivered for a working lunch. and my accountant can figure that out later here’s my accountant:

In a complicated relationship with taking it easy

my fav part about job interviews is all the lying

Why do I keep scrolling. What am I expecting to happen that hasn't happened already

if I had a boss I would simply jump on their head three times to defeat them

Wearing my weighted vest to Marshalls so everyone knows I'm going through it

Harlan Coben Tells You About His Favorite Dateline Episode

Here is a name to consider Ralph

I know you want to be able to afford gas and a house and food but the best I can do is public executions

I earned the cork on my fork

But mom I don't want to watch an execution.

"Have some respect. This is a funeral" *slowly removes giant sombrero revealing smaller yet still pretty big sombrero*

i’m really sorry I liked taylor swift for 42 seconds, but in my defense, I am a white woman.

fun prank: empty out one of your fav dead people’s storage units on the anniversary of your moms death

That's on me, your honor

just passed a guy who looked like a retired ninja turtle

I love non-binary Halloween. What do you mean you’re iced coffee at a job interview

Grief comes out in strange places, like the self-checkout Me, yelling at the machine: THAT'S GREAT, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY UNEXPECTED ITEMS MY LIFE HAS HAD

"Forever" stamps are starting to feel like an overpromise. This government seems temporary at best

I keep hoping that if I don't pay attention to the news, he'll die sooner

[Elizabeth Holmes Voice]: I’m Batman.

It's really comin down out there (civilization)