MꙬse Allain

Once more we enter the season of bandwagon-jumping ads. 'You'll be TERRIFIED by how cheap these socks are!' 'These deals will to make you rouse the dead from their graves and tell them to buy a sofa!' 'Order pizza or we'll fucking kill you with an axe!'

What a big unit!

"Captain's log, stardate 41153.7… sorry, 41153.6! I forgot we put the clocks back! Anyway, we have extended our exploration of the moons of…"

Still very windy down here in Exeter. Just seen a bloke operating a leaf-blower, the very definition of futility.

Took in a parcel for a neighbour recently. I dropped it round later and after I’d handed it over I got my phone out and said “I just need a picture…” Oh how 50% of us laughed!

Who’s your favourite James Bond? Mine is the fictional spy.

My business coach has sent a note by pigeon post informing me that there is FREE SHIPPING this weekend on orders of $30 or more for my limited range of gallery-quality art prints from INPRNT anywhere in the world. Yes, the 'world', apparently! xx www.inprnt.com/gallery/edwa...

Please help if you can: thank you. #SketchForSurvival #cartoon #originalart #wildlife #charity #auction Link: explorersagainstextinction.irostrum.com/auction/sket...

Had this idea in lockdown, half-built it, forgot about it, remembered it again, though might as well finish it.

If anyone's kid has lost their Columbia Statistical Research Group' model of survivorship bias, I found it on the street in Walthamstow yesterday.

Oh no. I once had to sneeze whilst eating a quite stale cheese scone. It was like a cloud of dust, and I genuinely considered leaving at the next station out of the sheer awkwardness.

Express Dublin-Cork train, c.2003. PACKED. Hot. I had a pastry covered in icing sugar, and as I lifted it for the first bite, my body decided I needed a sneeze, and tried to inhale in preparation. I inhaled the sugar, which turned the sneeze nuclear (and included a fart), spraying everyone.

Trying to eat a muffin on a train. Crumbs everywhere, absolute carnage. People within a three-seat radius of me are covered in crumbs. I can only apologise.

Somehow they know when it’s going to rain

Mooch - home-brewed alcohol distilled from milk

Don’t worry, the leopard is living their best life

If you enjoyed this, I put the same humour and retro computing obsessions into my new book "81 Jokes For The ZX81". Do pre-order it, out early December in time for Christmas. An ideal gift for you or your ZX81 loving partner. I've put so much love into this. Order now: spelk.press/gb/products/...

Reminds me of the great footnote from John Julius Norwich in his History of Venice

I can’t remember whether or not I’ve got a row of three up on a fruit machine before, maybe I’m getting cherry hat-trick.

Judas committed the first murder in plain sight

Gasped when Jesus said “The person I think is the traitor… It’s yourself, Judas. I’m sorry, I just thought the way you kissed me was very suspicious.”

I'm not really selling my work at the moment, due to circumstances, but you can still buy my T shirts. www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/Ti...

If I had a Tim Minchin I'd go back and turn off autocorrect.

I RIDE AT DAWN (because the light is amazing). Some shots in the vicinity of the Exeter canal this morning.

That's so passé. Should have got them a heat pump! Keep up!

Air source heat pump better. Invest in the future