barnabus

[australian accent] Princess Mononoke

mister frodo, don't put on that ring! the Spooking Ghouls!

Best Paul Simon greatest hits, bar none

wwhen i was in japan earlier this year at a train station there was a little security robot roomba type thing that was stuck between the wall and a pole or whatever and it was repeating something in japanese and then would say in an american voice "SECURITY ROBOT... UNHAPPY"

they’re referring to reinstating disgraced former Burkina Faso president, Blaise Compaoré

alright i appreciate the effort but the call is definitely not coming from inside my house. that just doesn't really make sense. the guy had a second line put in? i don't think they let you do that to other people's houses without telling them. seems more likely you're not that good at tracing calls

I wake up every day chanting "godzilla power life"

I imagined what that would be like + got trapped in a hell of the imagination where I was endlessly scrolling through billions of copies of that "laughing woman spits drink" gif, shriveling up + turning into skeleton, still having to scroll w my phalanges, only released when I collapsed into dust

in the 80s, a guy in a commercial would scream ”Oh shit! Oh FUCK! It’s too fucking real! I’m losing my mind! I’m fucked!!!! AAAAAAAAAH!!!” and electrocute himself and die because he was playing this

i want to move to the part of the website where i get 1.2 thousand likes for making ai pictures of trump getting kicked in the penis by Elmer Fudd or whatever

Gareth Pleasurebean

mcdonalds cashier: Is that for here or to go guy who got his penis ripped off in a wind tunnel in 2004, but has come to find his life more fulfilling without the constant focus on sex, although he still finds wind upsets him and makes him remember that fateful day: To here

orc of the hill tomb: Who comes near Hill Tomb me: me i guess. i didnt know there was a tomb here orc of the hill tomb: You have found Hill Tomb. 1 million orcs buried here. No men approach me: okey dokey. do i fight you? orc of the hill tomb: No combat here me: can i leave orc of the hill tomb: No

CONTESTANT: Uh, I’m gonna go with his PENIS, Steve! [raucous laughter] BODY SNATCHER STEVE HARVEY: A fine answer, Jessica.

This guy told me his frog could dance and sing “hello my rag time gal” and I fucking believed him. I bought tickets for my whole family. What does that say about me

*throwing open my shutters* You there, boy! Is comedy legal now??

among the most depressing ads ive seen

(back yard flood light flips on) oH I'M sORry i dIDn'T meAn tO WaKE YOu i wAS jUst adMIrinG YoUR caT IT haS a VEry muSCuLar phYsiQUe

Drink the water outta your toilet, you George Costanza looking motherfucker

Got enough fuckin ladders there bud

the following program is preventing your pc from restarting: a fucking Folder

i would’ve beaten Reagan in the debates. i would’ve just kept saying “this fucking guy was in a movie called Knut Rockne.“ if they questioned me on it, i’d spell Knut Rockne

You hysterical idiots. Donald Trump wasn’t asking Iran to attack LA or San Diego, he was just talking in a completely incoherent way that we have chosen to interpret as saying it would be bad if that happened. And it’s actually good that he talks like that,

Watching 'The Sopranos' Until They Say Something That PISSES Me Off! 🤬

steam: this game you've had installed for two years but never played has an update. we'll download it next week me: no you'll download it right now motherfucker. and i will sit here and watch it download. steam: so you're gonna play it? me: fuck you

finally, the policies that the starving underclass are screaming for

0 memory of writing this

youtube auto captions my beloved

sometimes i pretend to be a giant golem and i mime pounding a railroad spike into my own head. passes the time in the bathroom therapist [not listening]: That’s honestly squad goals

[forcefully ramming the entire toilet brush down the hole and into the plumbing] Oh nooo! No!

it's crazy how no one's even talking about how mama's little baby loves shortenin' bread?!

new york post headline after mamdani eats pizza with his tie loosened

[not reading carefully before parroting an opinion] America is being torn apart by tribadism

date: Did you drive here? me: Yeah [trying to make up an interesting lie but my brain misfires] In the Pussy Wagon from kill bill

oh you won’t let me and my wife into the PTA, interesting. me and my beautiful wife, Bernice Shit. you’re not going to let me and Bernice Shit have a voice

America's Funniest Home Videos, 12/6/2009 (rerun from 12/9/08), part 2/4 : 493s

boss didn’t like my report. i have three choices

Very interesting to learn how many people on here have the same son!

absolutely the funniest feature of this website is when your post is instantly retweeted by a guy named For The Love Of God Help My Son Please 💔