Weird Al Swearengen

Sam and Dave, singing as themselves: I’m a soul man. Sam and Dave, singing as each other: I’m asshole, man.

RIP Walter Koenig. My condolences to his son, the guy from Vampire Weekend, I assume.

I couldn’t tell you what episode it’s in, but I swear there’s one episode of Star Trek where Chekov does his “everything was invented in Russia” bit and then follows it with a private smirk that lets you know he’s been trolling everyone the whole time, and that’s the version of the character I love.

Happy Barf on Your Butt Day!

The video here is crazy stuff. The restaurant manager Irish whipped Ric into the corner, but Ric flipped over the turnbuckle and climbed to the top rope, and that’s when the restaurant manager caught him and bodyslammed him.

Get ready to hear more references to this jackass alongside the Wright Brothers and Zephram Cochrane.

Were Colonel Mustard not familiar to us from the board game Clue, he would absolutely sound like a character in Nick Miller’s Pepperwood Chronicles from New Girl.

My wife asked if Pico-Salax was a laxative. I said, “Does a bear shit uncontrollably in the woods?”

More accurately: Michigan Democratic Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed praised the U.S. Constitution during a Sorkinesque exchange in reply to a bad-faith question at a town hall.

The flying Tesla deathtrap is like they saw a Porsche 911 and decided to just focus on the “9/11” part.

Tired of this? There’s gotta be a better way!

Me, about to use my new AI-coded 3D-printed gun.

I’ve long said flying cars would never work because they would be too stupid and dangerous, and I’m going to keep saying that, but knowing that Elon Musk is making them, I can now stop at “would never work.”

It’s because all the kids are crazy about the brand’s new spokesman.

remember, she won't see your joke but your friends who are faces drawn on balloons will 🙏🏻

The funny thing about Shane Gillis bombing with a routine about being at the gym is that it shows how he doesn’t put in the reps comedically. He doesn’t work out his material at the clubs. His punchlines are flabby. His comic mind is out of shape.

Shane Gillis fans who insist that he obviously must be funny because he’s the biggest selling standup comedian in the world neglects to mention that the same was once true of Andrew Dice Clay.

I’ve never felt so much like a failure as a father as when I was playing “Hey, Porter” by Johnny Cash just now, and my elder son asked “Is this the Beatles?”

You will SIT down and you will FINISH your dinner and you will

Happy birthday, Mr. Prine, and maybe also to Mrs. McDonald.

You could never get away with the slurs that they did in the 1990s’ so-called Must-See TV, like how the gang on Friends called the feeble-minded girl “feebs.”

Can they come up with a Nobel Crybaby Prize to finally give to this guy?

Daaaaaa-ceased.

"So who could win in a fight? Mike Ditka or the Grim Reaper himself." "DITKA!" "DITKA! IN A LANDSLIDE" "I have to disagree. Da Specter Of Death comes for us all. (Pause) But I ain't ruling out him calling a trick play to escape Charon while crossing da river Styx."

Abolish the monarchy after me.

It’s municipal election time, and that’s right, that means it’s also time to snitch to the city about bylaw-infringing signs that impede my ability to see oncoming traffic while turning.

I thought these guys were called the commanders now.

I broke down and bought a black light flashlight to figure out what my two boys are doing to our bathroom, and the splatter pattern looks like Dexter’s kill room with urine.

Someone should hit this jerk in the head with a hammer.

My kid: Do you know the sun is going to explode in five billion years? Me: Well, I’m not looking forward to that. My kid: Don’t worry. You won’t be around to see it My kid: Unless ghosts are real. So now I’ve got *that* to worry about.

Batman Day isn't fun for everybody. Please check on your superstitious and cowardly loved ones today.

This is how you make the Streisand Effect work for you.

Something I liked about this season of Reacher is that they introduced a character with a black eye and then just never bothered to explain it. He just seemed like someone that someone else would probably punch, and that’s enough.

Hell on the Danforth: A Scrawler Mystery

Joe Warmington popping back up on my timeline for the first time in a while makes me want to get back to writing Scrawler Mysteries.

This is the most masculine video on the internet right now

@hollywoodsteve.bsky.social The anniversary today of Use Your Illusion’s release reminds me that you guys are overdue to de-double another album.

“If you marry someone else, I’m breaking up with you.” www.cbc.ca/news/politic...

You would think Ed Sheeran would be better at handling criticism with these two guys heckling him and his friends from their box seat week after week.

Many critics say the FBI has been fucking the dog instead of finding Nancy Guthrie, while others say they’ve already screwed the pooch. FBI Director Kash Patel adamantly maintains this is all legitimate police work.

Privatization wasn’t on the ballot when Canadians voted for Mark Carney. Really foul the way he’s using the blind trust so many continue to have in him to make massive, fundamental changes to Canada (hurting normal Canadians) so big companies can profit. Please pay attention.

Pretty tough day when Ms. Rachel denounces you as a moral coward.

“Ed was put in a difficult position where he might have to stand for something” is so politely devastating.