Matt

I disavow the Jonas Brothers.

The Duke boys had a flying car 45 years ago.

Consciousness is quantum.

Here’s my AI mascot.

Sorry for the roque AI we invented. But you’re in luck, we have some software for sale that can stop it.

I’m growing out a cocaine toenail.

Physicists have determined that black matter is simply evaporated milk.

Can’t wait to bash the other team’s skulls in. With help from Jesus.

Dear Kellogg’s: it’s Fruit Loops, not Froot Loops. Also, your name should not have two Gs.

Shame on Ed Sheeran for siding with the billionaire class over the Palestinians. Being apolitical is a form of privilege and has its own set of consequences.

A bad simile is like a dog with no mustache

Hey y’all, the Hooter’s owl eyes are tits.

AGI has arrived.

Back with another one of those block rockin’ beats.

For the first time ever, scientists were able to isolate and photograph a single atom.

Does anyone else get pissed when an LED bulb goes out. Like, who do you think you are, an incandescent?

Eeny meeny miny moe

Hi hungry, I’m dad.

Earthcakes > Earthquakes

Park pork perks

Blood, Bath, and Beyond

Your tax season reminder that the real freeloaders in this country are the rich — not the poor or immigrants or any other group of people vilified as scapegoats. The richest 1% evade $160 billion in taxes every year. The United States literally has yacht and private jet tax deductions. Hello?

BREAKING: Zuck’s AI agent already more lifelike than Zuck.

Blocking Dune font fucks…

The Metaverse is the Holy Grail of social experiences vs. No, it’s not

Another oil war for nostalgia’s sake.

I’m just a normal billionaire boy with a hoodie sweatshirt.

You get poorly fitted dress shoes! And you get poorly fitted dress shoes!

A large pipeline shaped like a crazy straw.

Breaking: Baron Trump Has Bone Spurs

Epic Epstein Fury Files

Operation Epic Furry

“Let them eat liver.” -RFK Jr.

Woke 2: Electric Boogaloo

They said it. We’re all thinking it.

Before we discuss Voter ID let’s discuss identifying those in the Epstein files.

Burn the data centers if we want to stay human.

Florida deserves Zuckerberg.

Tell me more about this National Pizza Day.

Whales and dolphins had the right idea. Let’s become ocean mammals!

My name is Sergio Mozzarella. I officially declare these Winter Games open.

We have state-sponsored terrorists on our streets and Congress wants to fund them.

“If I did It” by Elon Musk

Bye, Felicia!

President Pediphile

“Melania: From Whore to First Whore of the United States”

Snowflake

I’m ok. I’m a survivor so this small agitator isn’t going to intimidate me from doing my work. I don’t let bullies win. Grateful to my incredible constituents who rallied behind me. Minnesota strong.