slate

since bluesky doesn’t have a drafts folder i’m just going to write my drafts under this post. nobody look, these aren’t finished yet

attacking both somalia and norway is a risky move for someone who ever wants to step inside minnesota again

me: *tuning guitar* the acoustics in here are incredible jesus: i’m moving that rock

trying to kick someone out of the country for fraud is insane. there is nothing more american than fraud. except maybe shopping carts

where is elon’s elizabeth holmes AI slopumentary

bill maher has never held someone’s attention this long

between serbia and brazil im feeling cautiously optimistic that the u.s. will have an election

i need AI to hurry up and take my job before 7am tomorrow

i’m invoking the factory your honor

my 37 “i voted” stickers has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my stickers

sir please keep campaigning it’s going great

paleontologist: we found it *brushing away dust* what really killed the dinosaurs grad student: *reading the knuckle tats* T U R O K

marco rubio getting sent in solo to take all of cuba🧍🏻‍♂️

only 11 more shopping days to buy my vote

looks like someone already claimed them

what kind of destruction will you bring?

Just got all my boys together to take on the wandering ronin who came to town. There’s like 15 of us and only one of him so pretty much the only thing that would give me any pause is if he was master of the devastating and lightning-fast iaidō style. But that’s not likely. Coward hasn’t even drawn h

i’m thinking about getting into whistleblowing. does anyone know where i can find some fraud

bluesky introduced me to a life without: 1) ads 2) catturd

extra troubling news for someone in a throuple who doesn’t hate either of their partners

if dems take the house and senate we are going to see the strongest worded letters in the history of letters. just absolutely juiced words on paper

“hi im david attenborough and this is jackass”

looks like a ventriloquist dummy auditioning for the roseanne reboot

well it’s good we stopped china from using it for propaganda

observed some subatomic particles and caught them doing the macarena

each time lasted 2 months

nothing stopping you from using a regular pringles can

behind every mediocre restaurant is a laid back manager who runs it like an AA meeting and doesn’t give a shit if you’re late to every shift as long as you keep coming back

oh you’re going back to twitter? the guy who got his dick stuck in a gas pump? that twitter?

[opening credits] her views are shit [closing credits]

their habitat destroyed, the russian bots find shelter in unusual ways. this colony has made a nest of discarded gillette razors

“a billionaire tax could scare billionaires away” oh no so it’s a win-win?

look i think anyone who sends a photo of their credit card to grok deserve to have their account completely drained but i also think that money should not fill the pockets of the planet’s most powerful doofus

I died in the shipwreck of a whaling vessel in 1798, but a few days later, clinging to an old rum barrel. Now I can only haunt this one specific patch of desolate ocean. I thought I saw a cruise liner once, in the distance. Had a scare ready to go and everything. Not much going on outside of that

who is getting the fifa peace prize this year

getting selected for jury duty and then not being able to tell anyone this is the case you’re on

kid: did you know the whole internet weighs about the same as a strawberry? me: come on man it’s friday

me, getting $20 cash back: can i get four 5s? cashier who is machamp: hell yeah up top

is it still a secret if nobody cares

i try to avoid commenting on people’s appearances but this hand gesture was a choice that i cannot sit back and ignore

www.indiewire.com/news/box-off...

shit is out of balance. the fabric of the universe is crumbling

the president’s words were taken out of context. you have to consider everything he’s ever said and it’s obvious what he meant was uhhh way worse

everyone sliding past me on the sinking titanic while i’m moonwalking in place

if you call in an order for dominos they try to use an AI operator and not only is it useless but they added, i kid you not, fake typing noises like the AI has fucking fingers and a keyboard and a mediocre typing speed of 50 words per minute

do these pants make my ass look like an undecided voter